Can't Let The Trigger Finger's Fire

     I am in a situation where I am half naked in the shadow world.  Or not.  I am not sure.   I learned about Naked many years ago.   I ranted and raved, in front of my apartment, in the middle of the night....   I found out about my grandfather being involved, with Fox news people, or so I was told... and it seems possible from what I have discovered.  A 'family' at some point fought by my side.  Now my actions have left me confused as to my place in this world.  There is a chance, should other Guardian Copper types still ride out there, then I would say we must get Harris in, but what do I know...  Well, I know one day she distanced herself someone and came into my camp, for a moment, on an issue.  One which decided my decision to remove Biden from office, and put in Harris, as I told you we should do years ago. 

Twice they said to me Biden was waiting to hear from the lips of God himself.  I stepped in and it was done just like that.  A surprise to most people, but I felt the joy.  And mystically enough, when I first saw a picture of Walz, a rainbow seemed to flow out of his picture...  something joyful, a powerful spirit for good.  I hope I am right.  

I want to please you people enough to be informed about what is really going on, and not filmed all the time, and frankly...   be paid NOT for what I did for this country, just because this is the USA, and when you work you are supposed to get paid.  I am not asking what I deserve.  Hell, I don't know what is happening well enough to know.  

If you see me as a scourge that came across this land...  then I think you are EVIL as all HELL.  I have been surrounded by make believe characters in this alternative dimension, which seems to have little to do with my life, more or less.  Just the tv.  I always used to think anyone on tv was more powerful than me.  When you asked for my help, when PSYCH, told me of slavery...  I did what I could to stop that.  This means a lot to me now, people overstepping their bounds because I said they were angels, just trying to flip people out and off and let them know homophobia is disgusting.  I wanted there to be a bisexual character who just was that, johnny pain.  I used the title for the hell of it.  But I am not very bi that is for sure.  A guy who is not physically attracted to men, but swoons over women, finding them the highest art....  yes, I can objectify, but that is not what I mean.  I want to see their soul, their spirit.  Their sexuality is not my concern, the same as with everyone around me, unless they are pedos or rapists or drugging women... all the shit I would not stand back and let someone do without serious ass kicking and COPS.  I mean, fuck that.  Maryann lost her virginity to a fuck who drugged her.

I feel like a tiger pacing in my filthy, concrete cell.  Back and forth, back and forth... Occasionally roaring and snarling, screaming for my foe to come out and fight... not leave me cowardly chained up for their fucking sins.  I told you NO CRUCIFIXES for me this trip down.  This time, I told you all those years ago, you would die in great numbers if you displeased me.  This has come true on levels I cannot begin to want to know. I told you I would be surrounded by rotting bodies... I now hear the screams of the wounded for help that ain't coming, as seagulls go for their eyes.,, again and again, until exhaustion falls over and head hits the rock and they come...    Now I pay for those you killed and those I ordered killed are reason enough for you to worry I am going to truly disrupt your world.  I have not tried, remember, to do any such thing.  Others took the leadership roles, as they should, however... but why does the Pope listen to me, yet you keep me in jail. 

Is it to hide your secrets....  because I am not going to be the one who goes into the shit that would cause explosions all across this country.  I do not want chaos.  I want people treated with dignity as a habit, and the world that will come from such actions, from people who are in power doing so, is one worth looking for...

I want to live in a Compound with people who believe in this religious movement that flows through me and others.  Not a place where I would be a leader except possibly spiritually.  I would love to be with sceptics as well, intellectuals, artists, politicians, police officers, etc... a true mix of people.  The place where we will begin planning a sanctuary for climate refugees.   I cannot be like some guru type.  God humbled me and I am very thankful.  This is a dream.  I could have a dog there.

Funny for some reason I keep thinking that even after all the events I have been involved in that I deserve to try to live with some speck of dignity.   I do not want to bitch too much before the election.  I do not expect some decision on me.  I am nothing, evidently, since I finished my mission, other than always doing what I can to keep president's in the white house, regardless of what they are doing... unless they become fascists and the supreme court just goes along.  Then I hope to fuck there are enough people who know this is beyond blue and red, this is keeping the democracy, our common ground.

  I will only accept clean money, and if this is not coming, fine.  I do not know what is going on, who designed this mess that you have me entangled up in.  I held you together time after time, trying to make sure there was a Democracy, as all the people around me seemed sure I was trying to take over.  Oh, yes, and hypnotize all the women for some reason.  I am with a woman, and I am not the type to have an affair, or even look at other women sexually.  This comes naturally to me.  Young women look like my daughters or something.  I do not have that thing some men have.  Sex in a life like mine is hardly a priority of any sort.  Another cover.

An attempt at a private conversation with one of you.  I would never have done so many things, God delivers me from temptation.  I think of Drew B. and my stupid comment.  I am also beyond sleeping with strangers.  I come away feeling used.  Not that I have to worry about these things, but know... this is how I am.  At the moment I am celibate.  Whenever a thought associated with sex comes into my mind I make the thoughts into photos and toss them to the far corners of space...  too far away to see... and they are gone and I move on.  Usually memories.   Always I suppose.  People on the tv do not have the power to stir me in such ways.  Again, I was disrespectful, pitiful, in the past on this point.

I cannot say exactly what happened to me, though I feel the same way I always have about everything, the violence is gone.  I cannot even imagine it in my mind without being revolted, my emotions crash and I stop myself before whatever thought I am having can go there.  The book is a problem in this respect, or a reflection on why to use no violence.  Which is best, because I do not want to imply that I know when and how and who and why anyone should be killed.  This is not my job and it never should be one person's job.  We have an entire court system for that... but not in the secret world.  I am not sure what you have here.  I am curious but I am afraid it might drive me mad to know.  Or just emotionally leave me dead.

I only live with what I do by not thinking about a lot of things.  Glad I trained my mind with meditation to have some control should I decide to exert it.  The ability to destroy thoughts.  

Writing every day you hope a sentence or two, perhaps a thought, will prove worthy at some point.  I am  sure I have never written a good book.  One War was just an attempt, not finished.  My real talent is poetry I think.  Short stories, maybe.  It doesn't matter so much.  At all.  I never think that my life could have been different.  Or that I would want it to be.  You would never tell me who you were, those who had me once as a babe in onesies out in the forest, and wanted me to fly away, with Benny as the pilot.  They were getting their financial advice from memes.  Funny.  But...  pretending I am retired...  retired from what exactly...  going with whom exactly, and where...  ending up with a group of people with beliefs that I despise, who are zealots, whatever.   I did not know who you are so I mean no offense at all.  Simply explaining why I never make such moves, even though they might have been the right thing.

 I would like to be set free, whomever is in charge.  I have played my little role here.  I no longer trust any of you.  I never will.  I want the money to save other people.  You are too cruel to allow such a thing.  You should not fear my power, unless you should.  Such matters are up to God.  Lightening will strike me again, the spirit of the Christ once more can no longer be contained by my day to day may shatter the peace...  I pray to God not.  I pray to God...  and I implore humans...  I do not know of a reason to break the peace on my part, but all around me I see stirrings...

 Religious thought for....

The day will come when I will say, "You have turned your back on me time after time.  Here is what mine looks like."    Then you will feel the horrible pain there.

Copper

       I am not orange.  I will help Orange if they remain peaceful.  Violence for the violent.  Orange has to be the meek, who in my religion win in the end.   Right now Trump using the color makes it untenable but I am not going to let his make up and the press have a color forever.  It was a Union revolution against the Soviet Union that came to mind when I blurted out Orange.  Making it up as I go along, as I did back then.

You would ask me questions I could guess at...  but I do not wish to take on a bunch of enemies by being friends with people. This will not stop me from finding common ground with those whom I have all but certain differences with, like pedophilia and genocide.  I am not a thief and if I have been the benefactor of any theft, I do not know about it.  I tried to bring all people together, as a Christ would.  Then you treated me like shit.  Left me in pain.  Homeless.  I did feel like I was from another planet, like you played with a bit I imagine, or there would have been no UFO sighting at O'hare in o6.  Look it up.

The meek inheriting the earth.

 The embers left them by the strong, now.    I am copper. This blood will not wear off from my sitting here in a pool of blood, in front of the television that told me of the darkness in the woods...  shredded tires, a rosary, a wreck of a car I saw.  In a color I saw as following my morals, again...   a mistake I often make.  Not my morals.  Just stopping slavery.  If you could, wouldn't you....

Regardless of the idiocy of my past I hope you realize that I have come to peace enough with what happened to hold no grudges, though I will not change, that would be appeasement.  I will however be very careful with my criticism.  

  I keep buying my illusion in my head that I am alone in this apartment.  While still feeling the creepy, slimey, haunting of knowing my words are being either taken very seriously, or the worst joke in the world has been played, and I am an unwitting fool.  Yes, I wish.  Bob is gone.  Proof enough of the dead from that day.  I regret those deaths as much as others.

The women who died at first.  When I had no clue what was happening, though they were going to try to pin everything on me, since I would not go along with their plans.  I understood nothing.   But they died.  Two sources told me this.  I saw something about women following me, but I had no intention of breaking up families, or getting people to live like me...  

The other times come through just as horrible, during the Obama times...

Of late the catastrophe has been averted.

No one should assume they are on my side

Unless you are like the sane imperfect people who want the best for all

This last time the people who were harmed I feel terrible about this order.  I did not know that was coming.  I had no plans to suddenly harm a spy network.  I never saw them, or knew anything about those things, or...  just a charade.  Though once the blood was flowing, and I realized the time bombs I was leaving, which could defeat any attempt at democracy with another leader.  I told you always I would give away power.  You treat me though like two different people.  Some of you treat me like this spy soldier colonialist...  whatever....  others a spiritual person.  The spiritual person is closer to the truth, and always was, even when I was very agnostic.  I think.   

I guess I write as both religious and political, but I do not try to use religion in my political comments,  or try not to, beyond an inspiration that is second nature.  I do not have to look up in a book what is right and wrong.  I can find out for myself, or I just know.  I mean, few listen....  few have people in their lives worth listening to.  I mean as far as mentors.  Kids, yes.  At my age, I would be mentoring but I am way too chaotic for such a thing.  And I am no hero.

I acted on the morality taught me from Indiana during a Blue, Strong Union period.  People were racist but I did not know.  I hated racism from the books I read.  I read fairly adult books, and believed the ethics there were out in the world, somewhere.  And in me.  I had no clue about racism until I moved to the big city and saw it, then had friends who were black and heard their stories, really read up on the issue, and always have.  I never looked at this as anything except a class revolution, that I thought we had lost... and we probably did.  I never thought I would amount to much.

Then I changed.  Barbara started telling me I was going to be a famous writer, as did other professors.  Went to my head when I could barely write at all.  I was convinced it would happen if I just kept writing, so I did.  Now I can write, and have this novel in my head, but there is violence, and presently I cannot even think or envision violence in my actions when I think about them.  Never a image of I would like to smack that guy... my gut jumps a bit just at that.,, and my mind will not envision it, something I once trained myself to easily do...  envision anything closely to write about them, at Columbia College... such a wonderful teaching method they use.  Buy the book.  Do the work.  Save thirty grand.  

I sat here today in the book five hundred million some years in the future, where a being from another dimension and a human being are on a mission, to find worlds like earths, raised in the kill or be killed environment we are, which inevitably end in climatic disasters, or war, due to domination of the few over the many.  The traps Earth had fallen into and was about to die from when the aliens, of which I have no name.  They all think as one, like photons, one learns and 'magically' all over the universe they learn.  They have no molecules to construct into matter like our universe, they are individuals but they are nothing except compilations of thoughts.  Prior to humans they had few.  A peaceful existence.  There is no violence in such dimensions, no reasons for anything except being amiable...  content... a community of love, in touch with God.  Though that too is a feeling matter, an exchange of love not worship, just love...  between a creator and the created.

Much like I see Heaven without any hierarchy at all. I could not make myself special once I was myself again.  Lying to you all these years to get information.  I thought that was over until MSNBC aske me if I am gray or purple.  I still question what your colors mean, and since I do not know, answering would be absurd.  I am religious, but as you know that means I will fight for justice, not some rules you have, or because of your hatreds.  Even if they have been caused by horrible injustices...  I will do anything to stop them.  I will lay down my life.  But I must try to find where I can make changes, I speak of allies who called me a Gorilla in a cage.  And secretly meet with Trump.  I know what many of you think of me.  The same as the other side probably does on this.  I don't care.

I know the need for law enforcement.  I also know killing people is not healthy.  Being shot is not healthy.  Etcetera.  Our society COULD be beyond this, were not there possibly some nefarious reason behind this that continues.  When I heard Trump telling people Cops would be his shock troops, all across the country, God I prayed that never come true..  He will sacrifice you as front line fodder.  Against forces the police cannot win against.  I do not want to see them as refugees, on the run, which is what anyone who rebels will be.  Too many cameras in this world to get away.

Don't ruin your kids lives by voting for Trump.  There is no race war.  There is no master fucking race.   You who read this have no idea how blessed you are to have met me...  how about that for an ego.  This does not make me feel good.  This is the Jesus factor.  You got to meet and see someone do the supernatural, after growing wings as a child...   who stood on your side.  I still do.  I was humbled.

This is what it took to break up a cult, and stop a war.  That is the way God works.  He got the message across I was not going to become part of the system, take a job working for Obama.  I would have been so damned proud to get that job.  Yet I never would have learned what needed to be stopped. 

And it may have continued.  Better, and God knows this, I am humbled in your vision of me than senseless war... breaking my heart, pushing whites from blacks was the opposite of my intent. .  I am not here to tell you how to live.  I am here to leave a few words.  Some I have left, others are just bullshit.  I feel like I am waking up from a drunk in jail.  My life suddenly gone.  My choice of futures destroyed by the notorious nature of my name.  A villian, who we bring out of prison for certain missions.  No one brought me to that fight, I instigated the war, burning a throne that should not have existed.  Then I made sure they would never think I want worshipped, or to change anyone's beliefs about the past.  What happened is up to you.  I am here now and can barely contain the supernatural beliefs I have.

I think I am out of this.  Or hope so.  I no longer want to participate in humanity.  I no longer wish to be watched, as you know.  Do you think I forget this torture, ever....  I try.   But I always come back to feeling the cuffs cutting into my bleeding wrists, sooner or later. . .  I fought your battles.  Best I could with the limits of man, anything that goes our way is God, who gives none of us a say in the matter, ultimately.  

qualified

 I been bad

I been good

Ain't ever been one to do

what they say I should

Lead myself because there was no one else

qualified to say too much beyond put the cork in the bottle

idiot.

Now I can say as much to that self.

I know no one else who has Messianic Visions and powers.

Should they exist I would be speculative unless I had seen

What I have thru me and I am a spirit in flesh

Larger than this speck in space

Serving a God who hears every sparrow fall

Grieves for them all

The weather shifts at my command 

Minor miracles to show you over the years

Coincidence does not explain this.

I come with messages or there would be no point at all.

The WORD.

I come to preach for the end times

How to be sane and prepared mentally for what is to come

or deal with the futures I see coming

Always the worst in my mind.

A massive wave of destruction

Hungry people the locusts ravaging the land

I do not think people who live lives ignoring this are wrong.

There is a point where you have to say "Who can say it is not beautiful,"

as David Byrne said.

I wrote of him coming to me with open arms.

The only person to ask for my freedom and God had me in a madness

A killing spree coming

I could not have friends especially among those I love

Did not know if they would die or not

Though then I was feeling insane from the lies and the hate.

After all the visions of Love God brought me here to preserve a path

To Democracy when all others seem to lead to hells compared.

I stand between this man and the white house a peaceful sentinel

Saying you will enter here over my blood.

I will come like a Tibetan Monk to the first English invaders,

With flowers walking into the fire, no fear of death at all...

(he went back to England and kept them from being invaded

the army dude in charge, he was so touched by their reaction;

the two I met who lived in Monasteries were extrodinary

we looked at one another in an elevator and giggling like children

again and again

I have never experienced anything like this with an adult;

tells me I can never be this.

Too much misery and violence 

From the streets in the cab

The constant thefts showed me the worst of humanity

Always packaged as the best, because that is part of the con

the people who at the last minute would jump out and not pay

Nothing you can do.

They know it, too.

I would pick up the next person and they would be kind.

I had more human interactions with all kinds of people driving cab in chicago

than most people could only dream of

Curious as a writer seeking stories

I listened to all the tales of strangers

Confessions.

The young hispanic kid asking me if I wanted a bump of coke

When I said no

He asked me if I didn't wake up

in the morning with a bump. I laughed.  I was in aa and would not try anything,

Ask me a few years later

I might have took a bump and a phone number.

I am now in a position where you are looking at me

as who I am

the one I laugh about being

the humbling one inside me 

Son of a father

A bit of 

God sent out to you

In the time of your dying.

Does any of how a poet finds words matter...

If my heart is seeking universal love even among those

whose behavior I despise unto war

U drafted me

for a  season 

without any reason

Swinging at shadows in a dark alley 

striking friend and foe

A fiction writer's work turned scripture by an act of industrialists

and superstition

I  the most supernatural being you have known

documented

bled for died for laughed at

 tried to kill and worship and jail.  

As I watched my world go mad

No idea why no one was coming to save me

the oh, right, I let the CIA off for cutting off the arms of people

No, I reacted to Bush doing anything without asking why

just reacted figuring whatever he did was wrong.

God had other plans for this country.

Lessons to teach his only begotten Son and others

A list of sins to go down

to humble me

even more than I already was

They tried to break me

my innocence was light enough

in my dark cell

Now I have finally been one of the warriors

In the battle for power in the USA and maybe world

I am still a prisoner.  If I am set free

will I be hated...

or would David Byrne walk up and open his arms for a hug...

Or did you hurt him or I hurt him when I reacted to him idiotically

after he wrote that song about the molecules I was preaching about

an honor like so many that I am overwhelmed 

the people who will never heal I am among you

I was never meant to heal.  I have been trained to

understand pain

physical and mental

by a brutal God who knows I would take any pain

to become what I must to do the will of God.

----------  ----------

Okay, that poem is done.   This is the question mark, by the guy without a working question mark on his keyboard...  everyone has disappeared from my sight.  I do not know what the world is doing, in terms of the most important person to me, me.  I do not often know what my fate is with you people.  

You still act like I am a criminal.  Maybe I am, then.  So... if my bars are made of my own words, then do not expect me to tear them down, and walk out mute.   Why am I not trusted...  am I a controversial leader who many want to kill.  You asked me in the same week, do you believe in Marriage, and are you a mobster.  Funny to see.  Something about being together with Mary Ann all these years, twenty two, made me feel safe.  Like I could trust her in some way I have never trusted anyone.  A love came flowing back in.  Still, what do I know of her...  this bothers me.  I would leave her over certain matters, if they happened.

Do I know... I know she knew a lot more than me.  I know when I said she sure seemed to be taking this well, then she went in the living room and acted like she was freaking out in this totally fake way.  I looked at her and shook my head in disgust.  So fucking alone then.  Living with someone I did not know...  but in the end, the only person on the planet who gave a shit about me.  I believed.  

So... what will be in this messed up world of ours...  will I find out what it is like beyond the dome around my mind, here in Chicago, where you feel you have given me enough hints.  Though you had no idea who I am.  Took clues from...  

I cannot keep reliving all of this, every moment of every day, so I go to other dark memories, deaths of pets, like a cigarette burn to take away the pain inside, make it so intense you forget everything for that sense.

What to Do

     Who to be...  This I never want to have to go through again.  An organic process based on what you thought, I thought.  I did not decide.  

I look back with horror on living a lie.  Now the only reason to do so would be self-preservation and that is not reason enough.  I will keep the delicate information I have that would disturb the peace.  I have no urge to go into the past and find enemies.  I dream of a peace amongst us all, working together responsibly.  To do this I have to quell my own emotions about how people feel, just deal with the intrinsic person, not the beliefs they have.  I have to at times see this as their culture, not mine, and I can't see any point in trying to change them if they are peaceful, when so many others are not.  But I need to find it in my gut and I am sorry if this offends some of you... and not.

But being effective is more important than my throwing angry fits.  I am too old for there to be anything graceful about such outbursts.  I wish I could be assured within myself that no such thing would happen again.  Maybe I have gotten there.  I surely hope so.  I am not angry with anyone. I will fight certain behavior with my words.  I do not understand my influence with you.  I can only hope at this point that we are ready to bury our hatchets.  Either in the woods, or each others heads, you will bury them soon.  I smell the blood in the future.

I am not sure what role I have now in this world.  NBC threw me when the local sportscaster made clear they are white supremacists, and other things fell into place with all of that.  I can see signs all over the place that reinforce some over there are racists, but I think it would be wrong to think all those people could be racists...  I tried being nice to the good Reverend Sharp.  I went off on him, after hearing this station was racist.  I could not believe anyone on the level was on that station.  I found out long ago more is going on.  I despise the thought that the whites hate me because I will not be racist.   I hate the thought that my words and actions and beliefs have caused me to be covered in blood.  I do not wish to ever have to involve myself in the stupidity of a race war.  I just find it a waste of time we do not have.  Not to mention ridiculous.  We are all adults and can get along.  Those who will not play nice are a matter for law enforcement or shunning.

Two TYPES

     I see people use this framework a lot.  Reductionist, of course, but telling at times.  I contrast people who are proud when they are praised, and those who are humbled.  Being a humbled kind of guy, and thinking my way is better than being Prideful, a sin for a reason.  Whether spiritual or not one can often see the logic in religious rules like not killing, lying, fornicating at the wrong time, you know, etc..., and all kinds of things people do anyways.  But they often lead to trouble, and over time humans learned this.  We still do it.  Each generation a few have to learn for themselves.

 Before I was a drugged out, barely functioning person, suffering under severe mental stress from being thrust into a war and not even knowing what the sides are.  I am still fairly certain I am now on the sides of cats, who seem to be taking over, as they do in the media.   I do not know enough about the groups to join them, merely to assist when I can to serve and protect.  This starts with Harris.  We protected them in those vital days after congress passed a bill, and tried to make the sausage in the usual way.

Is this how racist the republicans and most democrats really are...  equality is natural to me.  A damaged ego from fat shaming by myself and others.  Who cares now... well, I do not wish others to have it.  My association with body image bothers me.  I changed so much.  I wanted things to be as they were before.  But that was never going to happen.

In the news, Harris is trying to avoid talking about the war in Gaza in true terms.  She has a real problem with this.  I see she is going to try to ride this through November but I think this is a mistake.  A true effort at demanding peace, and getting it, from Israel, is required.  This mass murder cannot be hidden.  The protests may have mostly moved on line and into the hearts and minds of the world in the west, but this is a fire that will burn, and times uncontrollably.

This leads to the brown coat pig who was to be the Guardians' mascot.  I could not see how my vision of a night watchmen at a castle, making rounds at night and saying all is well, or standing on a castle wall.   I had seeming memories of this when I went vision hunting.  I made none of that up.  The only thing I made up was  sneer when you mentioned Putin and nukes for awhile.  Like I would ever have any involvement with either, let us hope.  Unless it is to bring peace to one, and non existence for the latter.   

I believe you have made me a Nazi.  Long ago someone tried to show me a film saying Hitler's vision was not to kill Jews...  it went on, but this was during the beginning of this, when I had no idea what huge group was behind me.  I could not listen, I was so sickened by what I had seemingly been sucked into.  Later the anti-semitism of the people I worked with was not mine, something I never advocated and never would.  No one deserves to be stereotyped.  I judge, yes, but individual behaviors.    I try to keep it to the action, telling myself the whole person has some intrinsic, Adlerian worth.  

I w   atched the man in the ivory tower, I think, about Nazi's and the Japanese winning ww2.  Then the USA in the end coming back to their ways, after playing Nazi as long as they had to, then gain their independence.  If I have somehow ended up in this group, then I am merely eye candy of some sort.  If my writing seems like any kind of dog whistle to hate Jews or anyone else, you are taking me wrong.

I will never judge someone for their religion.  I realize now I have been overly judgemental towards all Zionists.  People are born into such things, etc...  I see a man whose relative is a hostage, and many died in the attack on their liberal community.  As a human being who refuses to hate others, who feels the pain from all sides.  I have for years written about the Palestinians.  The cruelty surrounding them exceeded anything I saw.  I now see the bared teeth of the viper here, and they are a squirming nest, which will not stop until all but the snakes are alive.  Or I can see humans, as trapped in their time and place and history as everyone else.

I have had wisdom forced upon me by God, not man.  I did not know how to serve God and serve man, until situations arose where it was obvious, like saving a president.  This was not a matter of my starting and then leaving a revolution.  They had one going but I was in no state to go along, and might not have had I been tempted.... but nowhere along the line did any one in my direct life do something to tempt me.  Other than the gorgeous woman who lived by us on Estes, who I thank God I did not sleep with.  To use her like that would be heartbreaking to me now.  God would not allow such a thing, I became married six years into living with mary ann.  Three times as long as I lived with my wife.  Between her hospitalizations taking two years of our marriage. 

Am I always to mourn.  Yes, though that is just me.  I do not wish to impose, of all things, more sorrowful thoughts in peoples minds.