Can't Let The Trigger Finger's Fire

     I am in a situation where I am half naked in the shadow world.  Or not.  I am not sure.   I learned about Naked many years ago.   I ranted and raved, in front of my apartment, in the middle of the night....   I found out about my grandfather being involved, with Fox news people, or so I was told... and it seems possible from what I have discovered.  A 'family' at some point fought by my side.  Now my actions have left me confused as to my place in this world.  There is a chance, should other Guardian Copper types still ride out there, then I would say we must get Harris in, but what do I know...  Well, I know one day she distanced herself someone and came into my camp, for a moment, on an issue.  One which decided my decision to remove Biden from office, and put in Harris, as I told you we should do years ago. 

Twice they said to me Biden was waiting to hear from the lips of God himself.  I stepped in and it was done just like that.  A surprise to most people, but I felt the joy.  And mystically enough, when I first saw a picture of Walz, a rainbow seemed to flow out of his picture...  something joyful, a powerful spirit for good.  I hope I am right.  

I want to please you people enough to be informed about what is really going on, and not filmed all the time, and frankly...   be paid NOT for what I did for this country, just because this is the USA, and when you work you are supposed to get paid.  I am not asking what I deserve.  Hell, I don't know what is happening well enough to know.  

If you see me as a scourge that came across this land...  then I think you are EVIL as all HELL.  I have been surrounded by make believe characters in this alternative dimension, which seems to have little to do with my life, more or less.  Just the tv.  I always used to think anyone on tv was more powerful than me.  When you asked for my help, when PSYCH, told me of slavery...  I did what I could to stop that.  This means a lot to me now, people overstepping their bounds because I said they were angels, just trying to flip people out and off and let them know homophobia is disgusting.  I wanted there to be a bisexual character who just was that, johnny pain.  I used the title for the hell of it.  But I am not very bi that is for sure.  A guy who is not physically attracted to men, but swoons over women, finding them the highest art....  yes, I can objectify, but that is not what I mean.  I want to see their soul, their spirit.  Their sexuality is not my concern, the same as with everyone around me, unless they are pedos or rapists or drugging women... all the shit I would not stand back and let someone do without serious ass kicking and COPS.  I mean, fuck that.  Maryann lost her virginity to a fuck who drugged her.

I feel like a tiger pacing in my filthy, concrete cell.  Back and forth, back and forth... Occasionally roaring and snarling, screaming for my foe to come out and fight... not leave me cowardly chained up for their fucking sins.  I told you NO CRUCIFIXES for me this trip down.  This time, I told you all those years ago, you would die in great numbers if you displeased me.  This has come true on levels I cannot begin to want to know. I told you I would be surrounded by rotting bodies... I now hear the screams of the wounded for help that ain't coming, as seagulls go for their eyes.,, again and again, until exhaustion falls over and head hits the rock and they come...    Now I pay for those you killed and those I ordered killed are reason enough for you to worry I am going to truly disrupt your world.  I have not tried, remember, to do any such thing.  Others took the leadership roles, as they should, however... but why does the Pope listen to me, yet you keep me in jail. 

Is it to hide your secrets....  because I am not going to be the one who goes into the shit that would cause explosions all across this country.  I do not want chaos.  I want people treated with dignity as a habit, and the world that will come from such actions, from people who are in power doing so, is one worth looking for...

I want to live in a Compound with people who believe in this religious movement that flows through me and others.  Not a place where I would be a leader except possibly spiritually.  I would love to be with sceptics as well, intellectuals, artists, politicians, police officers, etc... a true mix of people.  The place where we will begin planning a sanctuary for climate refugees.   I cannot be like some guru type.  God humbled me and I am very thankful.  This is a dream.  I could have a dog there.

Funny for some reason I keep thinking that even after all the events I have been involved in that I deserve to try to live with some speck of dignity.   I do not want to bitch too much before the election.  I do not expect some decision on me.  I am nothing, evidently, since I finished my mission, other than always doing what I can to keep president's in the white house, regardless of what they are doing... unless they become fascists and the supreme court just goes along.  Then I hope to fuck there are enough people who know this is beyond blue and red, this is keeping the democracy, our common ground.

  I will only accept clean money, and if this is not coming, fine.  I do not know what is going on, who designed this mess that you have me entangled up in.  I held you together time after time, trying to make sure there was a Democracy, as all the people around me seemed sure I was trying to take over.  Oh, yes, and hypnotize all the women for some reason.  I am with a woman, and I am not the type to have an affair, or even look at other women sexually.  This comes naturally to me.  Young women look like my daughters or something.  I do not have that thing some men have.  Sex in a life like mine is hardly a priority of any sort.  Another cover.

An attempt at a private conversation with one of you.  I would never have done so many things, God delivers me from temptation.  I think of Drew B. and my stupid comment.  I am also beyond sleeping with strangers.  I come away feeling used.  Not that I have to worry about these things, but know... this is how I am.  At the moment I am celibate.  Whenever a thought associated with sex comes into my mind I make the thoughts into photos and toss them to the far corners of space...  too far away to see... and they are gone and I move on.  Usually memories.   Always I suppose.  People on the tv do not have the power to stir me in such ways.  Again, I was disrespectful, pitiful, in the past on this point.

I cannot say exactly what happened to me, though I feel the same way I always have about everything, the violence is gone.  I cannot even imagine it in my mind without being revolted, my emotions crash and I stop myself before whatever thought I am having can go there.  The book is a problem in this respect, or a reflection on why to use no violence.  Which is best, because I do not want to imply that I know when and how and who and why anyone should be killed.  This is not my job and it never should be one person's job.  We have an entire court system for that... but not in the secret world.  I am not sure what you have here.  I am curious but I am afraid it might drive me mad to know.  Or just emotionally leave me dead.

I only live with what I do by not thinking about a lot of things.  Glad I trained my mind with meditation to have some control should I decide to exert it.  The ability to destroy thoughts.  

Writing every day you hope a sentence or two, perhaps a thought, will prove worthy at some point.  I am  sure I have never written a good book.  One War was just an attempt, not finished.  My real talent is poetry I think.  Short stories, maybe.  It doesn't matter so much.  At all.  I never think that my life could have been different.  Or that I would want it to be.  You would never tell me who you were, those who had me once as a babe in onesies out in the forest, and wanted me to fly away, with Benny as the pilot.  They were getting their financial advice from memes.  Funny.  But...  pretending I am retired...  retired from what exactly...  going with whom exactly, and where...  ending up with a group of people with beliefs that I despise, who are zealots, whatever.   I did not know who you are so I mean no offense at all.  Simply explaining why I never make such moves, even though they might have been the right thing.

 I would like to be set free, whomever is in charge.  I have played my little role here.  I no longer trust any of you.  I never will.  I want the money to save other people.  You are too cruel to allow such a thing.  You should not fear my power, unless you should.  Such matters are up to God.  Lightening will strike me again, the spirit of the Christ once more can no longer be contained by my day to day may shatter the peace...  I pray to God not.  I pray to God...  and I implore humans...  I do not know of a reason to break the peace on my part, but all around me I see stirrings...

 Religious thought for....

The day will come when I will say, "You have turned your back on me time after time.  Here is what mine looks like."    Then you will feel the horrible pain there.