I Don't Know Anything

      I have no idea what a celebrity is like, or if my criticism is right or not?  Not something I took into account enough over the years.  I have to disconnect from all of that confusion.  I have a past that I will never live down, certainly.  But I was never given a choice, usually, and when I was I fought against your madness and killing, until the end...  

Now that I know what has happened the worst thing I can do is give whomever more fodder against me, or cause them more pain.  I do not wish to do this.  I have always been too far from what is going on.  You call it my being in jail, but I have done nothing that you can jail me for.  No trial.  This is not a fair world.  I am a leftist, a real one, though I have been used by the worst scum on the planet. 

I watch P. the show that was kind of about me in season one.  I sure learned a lot.  Thank you, all.  I felt understood.  Though it was...  obviously just a reference to a character I ended up playing.  Why?  Just to be mean to people who seemed to be invading my life for no reason?   Now that I know, I have to make sure I do not fall into this illusionary trap of thinking celebrities matter to me.  This world is falling into the hands of dangerous people.  I refute the violence of the past.  I do not know your secret groups and shit enough to say anything that cannot be easily misunderstood.

I will not give up.  I do not know if I can make any difference but I will try.  AND I guess I have learned whoever I want to get the Mark Twain prize I should just put down.  Other than Mr. Hart.  I saw him and thought black people were allowed in the Orange movement.  No offense to any Mr. Hart.  All of these people have been thru shit I do not know about.  What I do is atrocious.  That the people behind it finally have the country is not the FAULT of the government, it is the fault of crooks, and keeping me ignorant.  They grabbed me and raped my head.  IT IS NOT SELF=PITY to feel pissed about such things.  I was and am at this second, though normally not.  At this point, with Trump, I will confront him as I have learned to believe is best.  But I am in a zoo.  What the fuck do I know?

I have nothing against Italians or anyone, and know nothing about any mobs.  I was surprised when suddenly Italy, a gorgeous and Holy land to me because of Rome, and the Holiness of so many people seeking God together.  I don't know, Mecca probably is the same?  And I never thought harm would come to anyone.  I was trying to right some wrongs, redistribute wealth, and ease your horrible fucking hatreds of each other.  I did not at all think anyone would take the shit I say serious.  I get that illusion all the time.  After having words not meant to be holy, let alone ways to live, etc...  taken from my work.  I would have hated me as much as some of you do.  I despise the person I became of this, that side of me.

Feels in the past in some ways, though I am determined to bring black, brown, white, red, yellow, etc...  back around to the Golden Rule.   I had the characters in the submarine having no political affiliation, just doing good where they could.  I know God well enough to know he gives you and I a warning.  But my words do not create the future.  Your future is already written and may God have mercy on you.  Your souls are safe with me.  I write this and my body says it is true.  In my stomach, and the brain that feels wounded right now.

Nothing.  I thought I could do some good in this world.  Always did.  I know saving lives and getting people some compensation, as trivial as it is it beats nothing, not being acknowledged.  That was back when I meant to get people to give to charity... talked about insurance, meaning a nuclear bomb, and it was used by...  whomever?   I don't know what madness you have going on out there.

I am sorry you felt whatever pain you did from my words, to make them such a big deal to you.  They are so nothing in my life.  I prefer that distraction perhaps to the truth, but...  regardless, people who came at me during the period when you thought I was this or that, I cannot take that seriously.  Though I am a person who feels, and is sensitive.  I could make that go away, get my mind in battle mode.  Or once I could have.  My mind still repels from all violence.  I literally cannot write my book because my mind makes me sick before I can get to the violent act.  

I realize how wrong I was in so many ways about so many things.   I was insane.  This is no excuse for my behavior of late.  I may be getting old, but that does not mean I am going to quit learning or growing.  I have had a lot thrown into my path over the years that kills most.  Thanks to Mary Ann and all of you people out there, I am still safe.  I feel like I am coming out of a war... 

I was going to say about peacemaker, they had him this week convinced he had made too many mistakes in this life to ever get to live a decent life.  I feel more that way, than pissed.  I expended too much hate over the years.