I feel like I awoke from a Nightmare and the horrors of the feelings will not leave. I wait each morning for the pills and coffee to get thru the self-hatred, dread, and remorse that chaotically fill my body. I may have failed my country, my friends, simply by not going along with whoever it was who took over the government. Both times my words were taken too seriously. I would never even think of the event that could have happened, during both Bush and Obama. But they told you I was the leader when they had their own agenda. The last thing I thought was people would really believe I was Jesus?
I was not ready, but they brainwashed me.. so I did not break out of the egg on my own, came out too weak to fly. I do not have any idea if the messianic manifestations in my life was His way of showing you something and teaching me things I should have been able to convey to you.... or... well, out of character for the real me. Too true to the creature angry at the world, though still wanting to be liked.
When I was steered away from going to Wrigley Field, when Yoko Ono was there... a fork in the road was taken... I think of all those times this could have been sane, but what was expected of me is not a part of my make up. Without help I could not lead. My plan was to survive until I could find someway to escape this boy in a bubble life. I want to face how you see me, for good and bad. Sometimes I feel I have no friends left. The far-right's victories of late and my knowledge politics is kind of a folly if that many groups can take over the presidency. Trump is their bottle of the barrel choice, I pray. I read an old short story of mine that said something about the us being called Trumpland, 20 years plus ago.. a joke I never thought could come true. Like many. And my sorrow and apologies to those hurt is endless.
A narrative I came up with, which took out all the God and the 'co-incidences,' -- pretending I had propped up the government out of patriotism alone, like I was a spy. No, just a smart guy, who fights back. Usually that only involves words, but out in the world you have kept me from experiencing things happen. I would not have allowed Orange to be anything more than what I said in the beginning, a movement peacefully promoting the environment, etc.... nonviolent. But this then meshed with something I just threw out there, and I saw a couple things referencing it, but it was probably bullshit. I do not want to make decisions that harm people, but the redistribution of wealth, the idea which really terrifies you about me, a guy who talks about the class war. I do not care if people steal from billionaires at this point, practically. But really they need taxed. If this does not happen Democracy will die.
I was told only once who was behind this, and I would not want to help them to gain power. I cannot remember all of them but they were huge industries, including tobacco. I thought this meant we were going to make a lot of money and even used it as an excuse to smoke again, after a few days off.
Then cigarettes became another thing with me. The hated smokes I would never recommend on anyone, became a symbol of me., Seemingly I may have. For years after the brainwashing and the weirdness surrounding my life, I fought in a generalized war of words, I thought. An aspect was not real... I was a liberal, not militarized, or particularly interested in politics. I thought the left had lost and had kind of given up on all that fixing anything long before. I was going to be a rich writer, do good in the world with my fame, etcetera. A sober dream. Nothing a wasted pill popping me with my minimal bit of talent was attaining when suddenly I learned there were a lot more people involved, but I did not know why? I knew it was not just me, or they would not have announced Jesus is here to the world, and driving many into all kinds of individual sorts of temporary insanity.
After the deaths, The Cults were at first the worst of this. I hated the idea that I had some cult, when you were watching my life and knew I was not leading some cult. If it was so bad, you cut off the feed, or you come talk to me, or all kinds of things you did not do...
Now I still do not understand completely what you are doing, though I do seemingly see myself misjudged all the fucking time. I want to radically change the government, yes. I do not want a theocracy, though what system you have, I am not here to destroy before I even understand what you are doing? I do not want to ever spread another conspiracy theory, even if I think they are true, because what I cannot be sure of, may take on a life of its own, and mine tend to choose to be serial killers. Etc.
Have I any right to continue putting out my ideas, now that they have been a party to so many deaths??????????????
A thought that comes back knocking again and again.
I think of someone who accidently kills someone. Or kills innocent people in war. Accidently. Then making a decision to prove my patriotism and remove any stigma to the left of being involved without spies. The communists I am sorry that you stood between me and the people who gave orders that still make for death penalties at the Hague. The people who used that show Community and the dr pepper connection, etc. I admire the screaming for change of the young people involved, though the adults who led these kinds of assaults, and others much more lethal, could not be in charge. When I heard you were making people dress certain ways, and all the other shit about me.... the short stories I wish I had never been used. The thought never crossed my mind.
I was an idiot. I did not think I was leading anyone or working with anyone. In all of this time the only group I knew I was working with was the communists. This is why I feel hollowed inside by my last order. I owe China my life and this is sacred to me, even though the circumstances left me having to choose between the USA and another country, I had to do something, I thought. Was I wrong? History, not hysterics. I tried to remove a yoke, and Trump is trying to use this period of the left slipping to make a dictatorship, though he underestimates the opposition he is creating.
My writing about conspiracy theories tore a hole in the fake truth of the news but then went too far, to not believing anything, setting the world up for Trump, sadly. I remember when Trump came about and suddenly my friends who hated government loved Trump. The people I thought liked my writing on conspiracies who were real people, turned out to be half crazy.
There is this a geico commercial talking about a scapegoat. They were heavily involved in the cia tv stuff. I do not who they did this for, or whatever.. why would they talk about this? I get the feeling they are telling me they once more will try to make me the scapegoat. How many times has that worked... how many movies and tv shows ... shames me. I feel also it harms the arts, forcing them to do stupid shit, like this out of nowhere, certainly not Frank Herbert, came Damien Hart, since I am evidently Hart (learned that late) had to die in the first Dune tv show. They know I love Dune. They go far from the book, and make up the character for me, who had terrible things done to him, by someone they do not know. He is the son of a founder of this sisterhood but told it died. Regardless, he is accused of trying to keep the empire together, and has some of the powers of the Reverend Mothers.
They of course kill him in the end. As so many do. I underestimate the hatred out there for me. After what you went through, should you blame all that on me, certainly that is quite a lot for one man to do on his own?
If attacked I am not giving up classified intel. to get back at you, or taking the low road at all. I trust God is more powerful than all of you and then some, and he has proven as much to me. If you missed it than I am sorry, because eternity will be easier for those who try to follow God. What I have talked about is it. The rest have landmines. I do not want to hurt anyone, including myself.
At least this time they did not hate him for what he did. A lot of them mention my parents as torturing me, but that was only my mom. She is who I wanted. Heartless leaders, who hate men and hide it so fucking icy well. All the children who went thru hell because of your using my books as first off, manuals of war. I was criticizing child warfare. Described Boko Harem like techniques, and the rape of a child. Nothing graphic, like the true scene was, and they were probably younger than this. I certainly would never want to promote ten-year-old girls as anything except babies. Practically. My emotions surround them and love them, but I sure as hell would never see them sexually. I did not know any kids in my life.
To lead children on the west coast in a rebellion. Like the Christmas kids started dumpster fires in LA after I wrote all I want for Christmas is a revolution. I did not mean for this to happen. I thought my words would have no effect. I put a stop to it.
But how would I ever do that. A guy tried to give me a story, and I did not read it... like a fucking idiot. I did not know what the hell was going on?
In Denver, right after I said get sniper rifles and gasoline, and wrote Agent Provocateur .. meaning someone stirring up trouble to get people arrested. I was crazed at the time and throwing out orders to people I did not think really existed. 10 years alter I find out about these people (though they were in the latest Batman, I realize now). When they ask me when to start their fires, which I do not understand. I am cavalier about this... when I awake the next morning to find a war has started. I am not sure who they are. I realize they have something to do with Bob, when he called me? I had not a clue there was still an army in waiting out there, who was not associated with the communists. I had been behind the Biden presidency; after not liking Hillary and feeling I should have supported her more to avoid Trump. I had no other big motivations than that. I certainly did not have an agenda anymore than the usual bleeding heart stuff.
I was absent, the victim of a brainwashing, and driven crazy by how my life had suddenly changed. Being an asshole to the made up world in the tv, or so it seemed to me. Once Daly said I should get out and go beyond the tv. Maybe he was right. I am fucking so terribly sorry I said something which affected him sorely. At the time I could not control my anger, the righteousness of whatever it is in me which rises up with ideas, that others use, criminally or not. Doesn't matter to me anymore. I am jailed, or enslaved, not allowed visitors. I know people would want to talk to me, and I would like to be more free, though I do not expect anything.
The people I talked to, I was too absent to quiz enough? I was afraid to know. When I found out, there was little I could do except say stop. When I found money was involved I said it should go to those harmed, and am told I think lives have prices. I did not. I was suddenly in a situation of finding out my fantasy world I am writing about, has caused people to revolt. I was not ready for that the first time and that was how I found out I was supposedly a dog. So I would have been helping people who did not believe in love between all colors to win. They told me this, and I said, "Then I am not a dog."
I was actually told I was on a ledge, and cats were trying to get me. This is the first I had heard of cats though I seem to have been judged one afterwards, especially after I found out the extent of how much you were taping me. When I masturbated, in an attempt to tell you, stop filming me. I hate that moment and the shame does not lessen. I would never have done this had I known. I still grind my teeth all these years later. I know some of you were watching me in the bedroom and the bathroom and had witnessed all kinds of my behavior and I did not think this was anything new... But I was wrong.
Am I justifying myself over and over for the unjustifiable? Maybe? If so... it would add to the pathetic. The day Trump was elected, someone put up a meme with someone who has played me and is now a disney star, saying he worked undercover for 40 years to get Trump elected. A take on what I had said about working undercover 20 years, which is hardly the truth, but is also true in other ways. Certainly your groups, and mine, all took me by surprise. I tried to leave them, then fight them.
I HATE THAT all this led to the now, but it did. I do not how Green feels about me. I do not care about any of this unless there is some reason I should. I helped, God Bless, Biden when he needed me. Kept the country together, and protected everyone, and I believe saved souls. There is war and killing and then there is just plain old horrible murder. His visit to Chicago to talk about Disabled people and Social Security, two issues of great concern to me, felt like an honor.
SHOULD i even sit around online responding to the medias? There almost seems no point. I have nothing original to say. I think of writing the book in my head. I am not sure why? I will write it and it will be stolen or not read, I will never know?
There is no thrill to writing of real death. Not one crime, but crimes that deserved more than the secret worlds okay, death on a scale I do not want to begin to imagine.
If you are indeed going to try to crucify me, well, I knew that was a possibility of giving power away, that it might then turn on you. I have nothing to say back to that? How will that effect me, that some rich guys put a commercial on the tv, or in your cartoons I will be the bad guy.... I kept my morality. I could never understand this all enough to be effective. But I regret yellow and red and black and white and brown and red that died. No matter which side. Pawns like I am I suppose?
Thinking back, I want to believe it is not true, that I could never act that way, that I would never give orders to kill people who helped me immensely, and they country. I do not know if I am wrong or right but I saw your shows Revolution and Followers and Leftovers and Dominion and The End. So many movies about this. I guess the big industry money involved, combined with the mayhem I was causing was enough that hollywood was gathering to slam this guy, who we used to like. I was getting self help people harmed.... I would never have done that, or dollar drunk preachers, or anyone that I criticized. My words need to be far away from action, usually.
If my position with you at this point is going to be scapegoat, I have to work a bit on letting that sink in. I feel like I am blessed just to live out the rest of my life, even if is in this mess of hers. I love her, though what you told me about her and bakers, and things she has said... show me she is some kind of spy, or aware of that world. A set up. Like the one before. Barbara, I still wonder how she is. Such a terrible fate she seems to have described to me. I did not set out to harm her. Again, drugged, they even told me it was in my water bottles in the first few days, and I was like if people can see this, then why are thy not saving me? Why was everyone so cryptic.
I wish good on all at this point. I worry every day about far away, Gaza, Sudan, Yemen, Here... my predicament is that the supernatural has manifested in my life many times. I thank the Catholic Church for their support. I wish you had let me meet these people and tell them these horrors were not my intent. I believe we made peace, at least dear Francis shared my love for humanity, and I like to think each other. I certainly love him and feel his mighty spirit when I think of him.
I
