I Am The Horror

     I think of what I wrote, that we needed a revolution, and saw it lead to cults and criminals.  I had no belief there would be a revolution.  What they explained to me of the beginning of this horrified.  Though the lack of context I was given kept me going.  

     I can do nothing now.  Once I mattered a bit in this world, but those days are long gone.  Because of a horrible rage. God's will?  I have no clue and it sure does not feel like it.

I must understand now that NO ONE wants to be associated with me.  I have betrayed the left.  I never saw this coming.  Why did I let my faith blind me to what was happening?  Does anyone give a shit what I think any of this at all.  Better they don't, perhaps?  I thought I could be a savior, but I never want to admit you can only save a few.  The rest are beyond me.  Their minds work in ways I do not understand.  

I feel like I am now a detriment to Democracy Now.  I have noticed once frequent guests are gone now.  I noticed since the day, again, I let my anger destroy what should have been a happy moment, because I thought you were testing me with SNL, which you may have been doing.  But you tried to respond with Love once when I put it on screen.  I did not worry about your feelings, like I do now.  I just saw more betrayal.  Another test.  Shows asking me if I am a mobster, if I felt married?  I understand you are asked to do these things.  

Like the Daily show when I found out what they were doing to him, I realize they must be doing things to Democracy Now, as well.  

r. 

And then again, this show seems vital to me.  I watched it the day after I published this for a few minutes. I missed the show like my only friend.  Isolated individual I am from any edifying conversation. 

I published this yesterday, expecting them to have it if I even write it, but I maybe you do not do that anymore?  Regardless, I watched.

Today, the code was wearing blue, after I wrote about blue.  Always a topic to keep sparse on my part.  I feel I have earned the right to voice my opinion without one incident being taken as a declaration of war,  Sometimes I miscommunicate in this game, forget it is even played.  I get no 'time off' to live.  I have seen a future and a blue line runs thru this, and how they behave essentially is as close as you are going to get to heaven on earth -- which is just an aspiration not meant to be taken too seriously -- 

 or hell on earth,  But for a while, when I think back on what I said and did, I do not want to be seen in public again.   I do not want to be a pig in a brown suit.  I had no clue you thought of me that way?  I had no idea anyone would think that was funny.  I do not know what is going in your minds.

The Dr Pepper shit and all that Community oriented drama.  These things all came around to the group behind me sharing only some of my values, which is how it should be on most topics.

I want to once more thank those who worked so hard with me over the years.  I did not expect the blue I joined to be this blue.  I do not know if they kicked me out, or if I am purple because I am religious, or orange because I promote democracy -- but the term has become trump, and I do not want any confusion on this matter.   I will never support this. 

I will be a hated man by many until I die.

Most I do not know.

I pray to God wondering what good this will do?
God does as God does.

I would not have done what I did.

If I could ever have taken over I should have

though I never saw that happening from my cell

I made no grand plan to save this land

God makes his judgements

I want only those who are without sin to throw the first stone.

I am being selfish as hell.  

Certain behaviors done in my name

 required dealt with, 

and I would not change them to ease my angst.

or my situation

certain people who did not feel they had a friend

found they do

in God.

I drove many away from religion

I can see why and I would have hated what you saw

when you saw me

As I hate the images you see of me when you look.

Too many fought and died for me to give up on this country

or the hope that there will be a reaction to Trump

that brings this nation around again

to taxing the rich.

To a time'

when a billionaire cannot buy tv ads and get their man elected

when criminals are not welcome in the white house.

When people of all beliefs learn to get along

whether they care for each other or not.

So all of you who acted behind the scenes..

who worked so hard and suffered so much

I would thank you if I could

I would lead you into a better way if I could

I would

not lead with religion

just the Golden Rule and the fire of God.

Season of the knives

 a poem with the title I remember from a New Yorker Poem

tries to pretend there is meaning

in the act of creation?

Or just chaos?

I see the red-haired women and men on tv

Conan winning the Twain (God Bless)

an award you have made to mean too much to me.

Am I supposed to care?

Am I supposed to concern myself with an underground

where I have proven a failure, even an asset to the enemy...

at times.

I stood up for my morals and my commitment to the individual

as well as the collective.

I do not believe the two are exclusive.

The backlash now against a once liberalizing society.

Abused by the people who I inspired

and when told for years I did not listen.

I see blue all over

I am not sure what this means

Oh, I know some.

Mind you it is minute.

I hear the fire trucks going by.

I keep seeing the Simpsons showing Benny 

outside the orange hall.

The other images make sense 

now or not.

I would never join such a club without a damn good reason.

I spoke of underground kingships

As you did of me, once.

King George

because of a poster on  my wall

and the sudden bout of madness

from which I would recover.

Then someone decided to mess with my head.

More.  I deserved punishment for the way I treated womyn

when I objectified them.

I got it by being objectified over and over

from a hero to something I do not understand.

Two shows mentioned Unicorns

then a commercial came on about killing Unicorns.

In all Purple Type.

Today in the drawing of the day,

a mostly red and orange fall scene

and she says, "All the wild colors

like purple and blue."

This station has some affiliation with royalty

or not.

They may hate me, or not.

Blue and Purple.

They last asked if I was gray or purple?

I didn't know what they meant.

If they meant religious than I am purple.

If this means I am expected to change my beliefs.

when they would do us well as far as I know.

then no

I have begun to wonder if I am now hated by everyone.

Better than being loved for reasons undeserved, 

and unknown

or to have my words taken as scripture.

I love God and the people of this world as one

when I think to.

When my eyes are filled by molecule lies

the unseen is unseen.

the shapeless spirit

almost un-noticed inside the flesh.

Democracy Now

unless you were killed

 or taken as a kid and trained to kill

in some secret army

all for what I was never told.

I stand with women on issues.

I may have decimated this army over the actions 

I could not bear to leave with no justice.

I have been left without due process/used and still am

or they would make a move on me

I suppose.

I get death threats all the time.

Or more to the point, characters that play me

get killed all the time.

Now they have me in prison

Only taken out for missions.

I destroyed the warrior image

As I do not need the image.

I am automatically when the time comes

Proudly in my real life I avoided violence.

Never lost my temper even drunk I think

have I ever hit anyone as an adult.

Even when I had a thief in a headlock..

and could have pummeled him

The surprise on his face when he said You would fight me over 30 dollars

and my collapse back into sanity

let him go

he had my wallet, got it back after he took

the few bucks I had in there.

The feeling of knowing how to operate

Has dissolved with the armies I never met.

You came to the 'sacred' porch once

before I found out about the cult and shut that down.

I could not get at the real enemy.

The billionaires are beyond my touch

seem to always have been

unless orange got into their bank accounts

and stopped slavery.

That was the only point.

I did not think people would react to my statement.

When it did I again foolishly thought it was over.

I lose all control of whatever I say or do the moment I ...

am seen by another

Sarte so brilliantly.

I wish being alone though I adapt.

smears

     Should I wonder what changes have occurred in the world, I can glimpse my part?  I now feel like I have done great wrong.  I mean, yes, I have known this before.  When my mind was on fight or flight.  Fight the tv and take flight into my own fantasies.  The fasting, started as depression, organic.  I knew you were watching me again and I needed answers.  The only place I could begin to find them was spiritually, thoughts without facts, just images I drew and described.  I am embarrassed now by my behavior.  Horrified.

    The consequences are too grave for me not to feel them every moment of my life.  What right have I to pursue any kind of happiness at all?  I was a victim.  Yes.  I have lived by the grace of God, surrounded by miracles.  I am sorry for the hurt this has caused.  This may not matter, but if you hate me let it help, I get no relief.  I no longer wish to go out, like I am a shunned person in Chicago.  A man who should keep his head down.  Hated.  

I would go back to Unicorns, fathers working with their daughters on non-military matters.  I have seldom feared death.  A couple times, yes.  Naked fear.  I remember once.  Of late the vision of being by a serene God, a simple feeling, a lack of complexity, seeing planets from space, rather than down on the dirty surface.  I fear a death well in my future.  I need friends and I do not know who is and is not with me.  Am I a leader, and if so are words, as I have demanded, taken knowing I may not have enough information to make a decision?  I do not think this is possible.  I think I have burned my bridge to the left, when that was never my intent.  I was angry at killers.  I was years and years of hearing and seeing myself used in horrible ways...  and even then you would not allow me to know much of anything.

If my position matters...  or I should quit writing.  Would I have stopped after the Crumley kid, and he was following my example.  I have never truly allowed myself to accept that there were children watching me.  I am not sure what place the green ones hold me?  Our interests in policing are similar however I believe they are not choosing their friends wisely at this point.  I see blue has won.  Blue and Green.

The whites act like they have won something, because they get to destroy history.  My petty words once closed libraries.  A travesty.  Like many, taken from books the lack of communication let rise.  I would have explained that this is fiction, and never meant to be reality.  The comedy.  I was not thinking anyone could take badly written blather too seriously.  Though I expected it to to lead to something because it was funny, to me and many others.  But I went way too far.  I never expected to get famous and have people see this stuff, and think I want them to do this.  I do not mean to list the cults thinking that pervaded this land by taking an ancient book too literally, when the one who came and said, You have to change old scripture, when it no longer applies.  That was Jesus.  The ignored lines, or misinterpreted.

I still wish to be of use but that may be impossible.

Musk Is A Clear And Present Danger. I guess?

I am a man who feels as if I gave away my power.  Some I could not accept because of their tactics.  You thought I did not care but always this festers, the need for justice, and it kills if you do not cut it out.  I tried like so many to help a country in my mind, that did not exist.

I hurt those who sacrificed for this effort.  I wanted the leadership punished, and in my Godly mania that meant the domestic operatives.  I love China and always will be grateful to every single one of them for my life, as I am to the others, whom we may have become enemies at some point -- usually because of a misunderstanding, though I feel horrible about these things there are days, it is even worse.   I begin to question if what I have done has damaged my soul.  A sin.  I have in my day to day life sinned assuredly but I thank God but nothing like murder or rape or...  other ten commandments I broke, and I paid the price.  God exacts a lot from me to help the oppressed.  It is not for me to judge them.   I will talk to a racist, or any ilk.  I will try to be peaceful with people of all beliefs.

If I were the leader of a family of whites, which would make sense, the white part at least, it would come with the vow of 'Lay the burden on me, Lord.'  I will work with anyone.  If you can discuss things.   I asked about this and was shown cats first in overalls like I wear, then tough looking people in white shirts.  I AM NOT ASHAMED OF BEING WHITE.  I do not feel 'white.'  Or I do and I do not notice it.  I do have white expectations of the police being nice to me.  When I first moved here, like 40 years ago and was young, working downtown, just move here, black people would approach me on the street saying Don't Be Afraid Of Me....  I never was.  Usually they were asking for change.  I had driven cab, lived in a dormitory of blacks in a black, welcoming neighborhood.  I was not afraid.

I keep remembering how important it seemed to you for me to believe racist crap that was long ago destructed.   I am not the idiot you think I am.  Ill informed.   The race war should never have happened.  My defense against you never included racism.  Two incidents were taken out of a life time and turned into a horror unimaginable.

Now, I asked for the Panda's and China came though, and I believe they understand my situation better than anyone.  They knew I was not a spy.  I remember telling Biden, on goddamn tv, I am not a spy, ask China.   I also am not an enemy of China.  I am a citizen of the world, and this country in particular brought me the philosophers who got me sober, for the pain free years.  I cannot over emphasize this more, I have ignored their politics as much as possible.  I do not know if my efforts are of much use after what I did.   I am hated by many.  Including now myself.

Was I wrong?  The most horrible thing I have ever done, trying to make the government work.  When before I thought it was not, but I was more concerned with the conspiracy stuff with me.  I could not see the carnage.  Selfish.

I certainly did not mean to destroy the left in any way, except the violent ones.  Now they are the ones who I am not tempted to break my allegiance and say Go Crazy.   Trump is all the craziness we need and fighting...  I have left myself in a position where I cannot order anything nefarious.  I am not at the moment the monster my God turns me into to deal with Monsters.   But I mean these things as metaphors.   We discuss the craziness, know four years is a short time, and if we fight him all the way, he will not get that far.  

As Guardians the position is flexible to the individual.  Our work done undercover, where a secret is something only one person knows.  You who came to the aide of a government you barely believed in, some of you, but knowing Chaos is worse.  Chaos is coming, in about twenty, thirty years.  When I am too old to care for myself.  God only knows what it will be like, maybe children born into this hell we are leaving them will be eating us.  The rise of Billionaires means fiefdoms.  Colonialism.  Kings who need meet no standard, stand before CONGRESS when he is making their cuts.

Part TWO

  You had told me about another world, and went to incredible efforts that I can never repay, on earth, to try to use me to change this world for the better.   I was living broke and in pain and had no idea how you saw me.   Now the Orange I chose as a sign of Democracy, Lech Walesa (s), the Polish Union Leader, who spoke out against Trump.  A hero of mine from Childhood.  Then Trump became orange, and the criminal element once more pushed too hard, so something. I acted like your CIA, using people in 'alternative earning streams.'   I wanted some wealth redistributed.  Was it?  Did the wounded get care, did the try to stop slavery, or am I just dreaming every good quality I can to try to make up for a decision that is indefensible?

I look back over the years and think of all the groups that said I was their leader, when I was too ignorant to do such a thing, so someone just made up things because of my behavior.   I will never forget when I got scout and gem and had a fish toy and played with them, and the great souls banging on the roof. 

I was amazed that even this meant something.  I get it now.  God now I will add them all to the list of people I wish I had talked to, and made sure were safe.  

This Orange veered far from the beginnings I sought.  I often set into motion events I do not mean to.  This time I decided to take advantage of my situation to do something.   I did not realize Benny was left outside, as the Simpson say.  Am I to trust Fox?  My grandfather designed them, they say...  that woman is now throwing notes out the window of where she is being held.  She is young.  I have no idea what she went through.  Hell, I imagine.  Anyways, I had tried by then to end having anything to do with violence.  

I was not there to lead a movement, and I had never thought it would take off like it did, which was pre-arranged.   'Children are watching' you wrote once.   I hated the thought of children seeing this crazy, scary guy on tv.  Or this funny guy or whatever.  I looked back to 2022...  and look at what was happening right during that period.  Terrifyingly near.  Five years ago we moved in here, I made those paintings.  They seemed to throw people.  The gray furniture all kind of surprised me, too.  She never mentioned wanting this color.

I am asked are you purple or grey?  I have no clue what you believe, though I hope you can see my ethics.   I have made clear that I would tighten the rules of war, not cut down on them.  The fewer civilians killed, the better off the entire world, including the mind of soldiers.  We do not want them mowing each other down.

 God, I wish now I had not been going manic when this happened, filled by a spirit I had not felt in...  a long time, if ever that strong.  I did 

.  Here's hoping I am your gateway to another creature, the door man.  St Peter doesn't make that decision, as far as I know.  And I do not.  I do not wish to entertain in my mind that I will punish people.  I do not want to punish people.  I am like that missionary who approached that aboriginal tribe that said they would kill anyone who came near them, and they killed the kid.

To not respect that an ancient should be left alone, that it too was God created as any sermon by the pope.  Innocent living with their own myths.  They live by them.  Just like Americans live by certain myths, right now the macho cowboy who has had enough of 'this homosexual' and other stuff they want hidden.   They do not care about the suicides of young homosexuals.   I had one blowjob and it drove me mad...  who am I?  I had never been interested in anyone other than women.  Now this.  It was drunken high school crap that all my friends did, too.  The 70's left more room for the fluidity of sexuality, but it confused me. I could never give up women, because men are not my preference.  I never felt a need to explain my life, as it happened.  I was just yelling out provocative statements. 

The revolution I ended up with was contrived by others.   I wanted to lead marches, things like that, with my radio show.  My career.  I wanted to be the star who did great things.  Then the three days I do not remember happened.  In the latest Dune series they called me Hart, and other places as well.  My symbol the mighty Buck.  They had me this special child who was stolen and terrible things were done to me by they did not know who?  They knew.  I was needed and I had grown wings, so you tried to wake me up... or you brainwashed me?  I have to go with wings before I can manipulate weather, and other things which I have no need to do.  To those watching, the day destroying the idea of coincidence, scientifically showing proof of me.  Like miracles.  But I am not a dog and pony show and I fear the destructive powers my visions brought me.  Do not tempt your God, and I don't.  I ask for nothing from him, though I do ask of you.

I always see, no offense to him, the guy from big bang theory telling me, "No one is going to help you.  I would be proud to have a show about me, grateful."   I was being tortured by people watching me.  I understand now I live with someone who is suspicious to me.  I may love her but like I have told you, I do not think in terms of being anything other than a guy in Chicago.  What she has done, may make me revulsed by her.  But now I think only someone like her would stay with me.  Were she sophisticated and educated and the kind of stable woman I wanted to have kids with, she would have long kicked me out over my misuse of drugs.  Or I would have dealt with life better for the children, which I hope I would.

But I was socially inept.  Maybe from being dropped on my head, maybe having an exceedingly stressful adolescence, with a year spent in pain in that filthy room.  Percodan. God, nothing could be worse I would have thought.  Having my mind messed with was worse, because it has lasted so much longer.  Driving me mad at moments.  Megalomania.  I am very worried that I have harmed beyond repair any relationship I have with any group, other than blue, and perhaps green.  I am too much of a pariah now for anyone to want to be associated with me.  This is how I feel.

I am not sure.  I always backed the blue, saw them as the thread that would end up flowing through this chaotic mess, Always told by God to Follow The Law, though there were times His laws were different and I went into a trance state.  What I have done in the last few years has affected the left, greatly.  I stopped what I felt was my duty to do.  What if I was told lies?  Maybe you think I should have known better.

I was framed over and over for horrible acts that I would not do.  A racist?  You made me out to be a racist?  You had told me black kids were watching me, and then you told them I hated them, when I believed I was Christ?   I still love all children, and wish to give them all decent lives, keep them from predators, educate them

 Corrupted from the start.  I tried to help, tried to clear the deadly tactics too hardcore for me.  The hatred I endured, the horror I knew they all went through, etc...  I thought I was doing something good for the nation, instead I opened a door to Trump.  Not that I think he cannot be stopped, I realize everyday people are dying from actions he has taken.

I do not know how to react.  Should just quit contributing anything except the esoteric, religious writing?  There are people who could do it so much better than me, that, again, why bother?  I am reactive to what you do.  I am never fucking in charge, knowingly.  I am not sure what my situation is in this world, what colors you give me now.  I am religious, but I am believing enough in any religious to take a vow all of their scripture is true.

I do not know your 'sides' and learned early only you were using me.  I tried not to use you.  Once the mania of the brainwashing settled down   . . .  or from the start.  I asked you to revolt, because I believed I was being held prisoner, which I was, first by Bush.  It was Ridiculous, my behavior is all I can comment on.  I apologize to those who were terrified by my display in Grant Park that day.  I made out like I was doing some kind of ritual.  I saw you all as one enemy.  Even though many of you were kind.

I flat out had no idea I was in charge.  That I could stop things from happening or make them happen. Now I know, and while people always seem to think I am down for the count, not even a diagnosis of a disease that if it does not take me, I will be old and vulnerable in the worst of times.  I have lost more friends I think than most people could dream of having --  fans or whatever.  My reputation is up and down, but mostly just chaos, guided by people who would not allow me to be myself.   I was afraid to revel this person, the sane one without a nuclear bomb, not the head of some spy ring, for sure.  I resented people thought I was an enemy of the USA. I felt like they were attacking me no matter how much I tried to please them.

I had no idea there was any element of violence in what I was writing before the brainwashing, and afterwards I went into a trance almost, where I saw myself as Jesus railing against evil, but never would I have written such things if I had known about the blood.  I think of the tiny things I did that the guys upstairs, with the bats -- my editors or whatever... God, I pray they are alright.  So many people caught in the cross-fire.  

I keep thinking of a comedian who did a skit where different cakes were made.  One was this father and daughter who made a unicorn cake... the last made strawberry, my favorite, and was this ghoul who kept saying there was blood on it, and killing anyone who had the other cakes.  I saw the blood in this.   I have empathy and do not wish to take this too far.  The character, the ghoul, was green, and had all these pens in his head, like that movie character.   Now I know what these means.  The rampage I went on.  Was it revenge?  I sure as God pray this was not it.  I just heard what these people were going through and evidently I was behind them.  Like the show Followers, which I refused to watch, thinking it was totally just going to lie about me.  I did not know things had broken down in some places, and I would have stopped them had you allowed me.

Now, I cannot stop this latest threat to my country, partially because I thought that God wanted me to kill.  I felt what you did, though I do not have the grim memories of a true killer.  I admit the watered down nature of my guilt.  Still, the only thing I can do is TRY to make right as much as I can.  I seem to have lost all influence, became too left wing for the people on the right.  That Trans stuff really thru them.  What they hide in their own closets are sickening.  I do not apologize for the behavior of a drunken 17 year old.  I am glad I had this experience.  For the homophobes, she hid any male apparatus and had breasts and was a woman.  She is a woman.  She later had the surgery.  If my being kind to people because of sexual attraction, or sharing being straight.  Which is just a made up term, as most know.   I apologize again to those I insulted on this front.

62 is an old man in the desert, who finally has his million mile stare.  Lately, all I can think is that the anger I once had is gone.  Did me no good.  The rage was...  a passing phase, needed in God's world.  Trump is damaging his soul.  Many others as well.  They fell into the illusion of the pleasures and ways of this world meaning more than morality.  'Empathy is america's greatest weakness.'  Elon Musk.