Choose Your Fights Well

   

 I fought verbally against my captors and those who threatened me, or lied about me, or I thought they were lying, and became an enraged monster;  coupled the brainwashing and the environmental torture of being confused by everything around me, feeling like I could never let on what I knew, making shit up just to mess with you.....  other times feeling like I was Christ, though I did not know quite why...

I had no clue of the consequences of my words when a dangerous group of Zealots were taking my rantings as reasons for blood.  Keep hearing Barbara repeating the line, over and over, that she said when she called on my birthday, the first summer of this I think, but I am not sure.  I was very out of it.  She kept asking, "Are you going to write anything violent...."   She would respond this way no matter what I said.   I said to her, "Aren't you going to wish me happy birthday...."   "Are you going to write anything violent," she repeated in a somewhat controlled, though hysterical voice.  She was in on sacrificing me.  Fucked me, used me, kept me as her on the side, trained me to be their little prophet....  a honey pot spot, who deserves sympathy, maybe.  I will not know in this life.  She could have told me not to write anything violent or people would be hurt, than I would not have been blaise' about what I was to write.  I remember saying something vague or the same old stuff.  Having still no clue what was happening around me.  Cognizant Dissonance, I thought at first, but that is a simplification.  I 

I am not evil.  I am not a criminal.  I am a person who always tried to stand up for what he believed was correct, if the situation meant I had any chance of making a change...  other than that, I ignored a lot of the casual racism of whites in the taxi when I drove.  Not all.  But most.  I just did not talk to them, kind of made clear I was not into that, nothing more.  If someone spouts Trump now I just shut up about politics until they are out of my space. Choosing my battles is new to me.

I am a smart, kinda weird guy who used to be very funny in my limited time having groups of different friends over the years.  Most I let go, but I let about anyone into my life, and seldom missed them when they were gone.  Too content having a lover who took me to heaven in my mind and body, gave the greatest conversation, so much better educated, sophisticated, all kinds of things than I was.  I am not fit for her rich world.  She thought I would embarrass her.  Hid all those years how she felt about me.  Bob must of as well, considering he showed up just before this, and ended up being involved.

I sometimes think the only friends I had were with people who wanted things from me.  Sex, mostly for years.  The men I did not know.  I would tell people I was bi-sexual because I had had experiences, and I wanted to stand up for people of all sexualities.  I hated when I found I had interest at all in having a man pleasure me with his mouth.  I had never once pictured myself having sex with men, had grown up wanting women all that time...  porn everywhere all my life, and an atmosphere I will not describe in mixed company, but it was all innocent nothing.  Just kids, though certainly not the average experience of some suburban boy, I imagine. 

 

 In the name of everyone I used to fight for, who were bullied in my neighborhood, especially my little brothers were got attacked all the time being so tiny.  Kids ran wild, some, and the bikers encouraged their kids to come attack us with bricks and sticks.  Drunken fun for these idiots.  I do not think they represent all Bikers anymore than I think they rep. drunks.   But it was during my learning years.

Right now I will put my efforts into trying to give kids born as I write this some kind of future.  I want them to know that when we saw this catastrophe left to us by our predecessors, we tried to prepare for how they will survive this, as many as possible, as well as possible, for as long as possible.  Together, as one world.  Not as scavengers taking whatever we can from the weaker, to enrich ourselves beyond what the planet can sustain. 

 I pray we can get over these damn conflicts about who owns what land,  who gets what rights stolen from them, and resources, which steal... can any of it change in time to make a difference -- yes....  in Sudan they need donations for food.  The press is not following the famine there as much as the famine in Gaza.  In Sudan, Aide groups are unsafe as well.   The horrors of these situations echo all across the planet, bringing hatred, mourning, loss, despair.  Sudan can be saved by the money now being spent on arms for Israel.  A genocide.  We should send that money to a preventable famine in Sudan, if they can can get aide in...

Black Boots

What fools we are,

were, and will be.

No x ray vision needed to see the hate.

They have a magnet now\a strong man.

I believe we are all equal

nothing you can say

will shake that hard earned belief.

I am terrified of what could happen if Trump wins

Feel that same thought seething through so many

as they protest the war and show their sympathy with justice

or simply watch International News,

instead of the MSM in the USA.

Their hands are tied. Lips are locked. Actions choregraphed.

They try I believe to show what they can.

I have to put the everyone is equal into practice

and I am puzzled. How do I sit down with people

whose beliefs or actions I find reprehensible.

I learned that long ago working in the cab where sometimes

I did not challenge whatever stereotype their xenophobia throws out

a childish attempt to bond over a mutual hate -- grade school antics

Until the guns come out. I know everyone in NBC cannot be racist, or any of these things I hear about the groups, does it really apply to all of them.

I watched a Nicholas Cage movie where a character started appearing in peoples nightmares all over the world, it was brief and stopped but ruined his life in the meantime. I thought of my situation, and how this could be a comment on it. I gave people nightmares all over the world, waking ones. I did not choose this. It was done to me. No one came along and gave me any money to make life palatable. Giving away money, not worrying about such things.

You deserved to have nightmares of me, I felt. You attacked me, and I was going to fight back by living a life that appeared all fucked, because it was, pretty much. Running thru was my ethics.. Wrote them and they were ignored. I am sorry for your pain though... I would not have caused the mayhem if ONE OF YOUR LEADERS had met with me and explained all of this. I admit though I should have asked more. But I was crazy. Christ. It was a magnificent feeling at times. I felt that the entire world was going to change for the better. But I had stopped the Coup they were trying. Bush then punishes me, again, for something I was ignorant of, and would not have had happen. I avoid even more important matters in this... I was not the only one abandoned, just one of the few who is alive with two arms.

See, all I needed to hear was you had been hurt and I would have sued, because it would have been for you... I made a rash decision. I did not try to trick you that there were a lot of people behind us, because I could tell they were a huge apparatus. They brought in a private army at first. Lord, perhaps my fame makes my movements best half hidden, who knows...

I keep remembering my class about how we always used war metaphors in our speech. This would then effect our consciousness. By giving ourselves a different metaphorical context where peacefulness is the norm. Violence a terrible action, without heroes, just people who were in a horrible situation. Got drunk... stupid. Coming from me, what does this mean. I mean it to mean that I learn from mistakes, and I became an instigator, an agitator with a cause, other than to keep fighting some nebulous enemy.

I remember when the people banged on the ceiling with bats. This was such an insane period in all this. When I began to find my myth shattered. My books, twisted and made vile, used to control others, make up vile tortues, etc. How do I live on after such an experience...

You just do. You medicate yourself as much as possible, while trying desperately to control the drugs. I no longer will get wasted enough to blather drunkenly in public, or what amounts for my privacy. I have been humbled so I cannot judge. He tells me He is the judge, in his way.

I

beginning over and over again

 I see few linear lines running through my life;  I did this, and it lead to that -- I studied writing and write.  I always loved a woman and am not the type to sleep around.  In other ways, like having a family and a career that pays, going on vacations, buying a house -- plenty of the normal 'narratives' do not apply, to first the man who felt he would be a famous writer.  From there, I pretty much went nowhere else.  I just figured people would give a bit more weight to my words.  Perhaps the idiot I had been in life, could be edited from my life of words.  I too long thought the words I wrote mattered to people, and were what I believed at the time, and I was taking the best action I could at the moment to save whosever ass was in the fire, because violence can be avoided, in most situations of life.  

I see the violence against police officers, and feel for them, as much as the victims of police violence.  The refrain, "I can't breath," echoes in my head.  At the same time, this weekend a retired police officer, total mensch, became a minister, and went out into the streets, a 'violence stopper.'  He was with the gangs trying to stop the killing in the middle of the night.  A brave man of God.  He lived a life of service, leaving behind a legacy that will be legend in his family -- which means nothing compared to their loss.   I also know, that even for the hardest gang banger, a mother cries.  I know the sides are not even.  I know the excesses better than some, barely as much as others.  I also believe that  law enforcement is the only way to stop citizens from taking things into their own hands.  That is how it use to be, and still is to some.  Most would go to court, etc.

I am worried.  One of my tenets is not like the others, in a lot of people's minds.  However, looking toward the future, we will need an inclusive police force.  This is possible. I believe what has happened in the past was deluded thinking.  I believe phobia's can be defeated in therapy.  Cops should.  No one does everything they should, some do.  Change as many as you can.  Whatever.  I end up getting shit everytime I bring up blue.  I do not know what side I am on, and I prefer the idea I spoke of once, being a circle with no sides... this much better explains my world views.  However, when an injustice is within my power to stop, I do.  God has given me many temptations on this path and I gave into too many of them to 'throw the first stone' at anyone.  I will give my words, but only if I know they will not inspire a crowd with stones.

I Believe Taxes Are Imperitive. Trickle Down Did Not Work.

     I saw Two comedians, Martin Short and that Steve guy...  I saw Mr. Short call them the 2%.   I know they have every reason to hate me, over a mistake.  Again, had I been asked.  Had I not been tricked into thinking I was powerless.   A shower curtain full of roaches every morning, certainly made me feel powerless.  And that cost the life of your friend, an icon in my mind, who was right, I agreed with him.  I thought him an all powerful rich movie star picking on a powerless guy living in a version of hell.

We agreed that I did not want people to fight to get peace.  This was just a phrase...  would have been an okay slogan on a protest board, nothing more.  If I had just had someone ask me but no others were using me and making money, so why would they want this to change.  Others used the threat of .. whomever I was associated with to do whatever the hell.  Me, too, at times.  Not my best days, but I have had a lot of those...  

I hate the thought that ANY of you thought I wanted to be filmed all the time.  I hate the thought of what this webcam has done to my life and some of you others.  I was drafted, kept out of the loop, left for dead, or as the fall guy.  Dead was best, but I will not kill myself and I am not sure you wish to find out what happens if you try to kill me, let alone succeed.  Then you will discover how much of a center this religious man was, when 'things fall apart, the center does not hold... '  Yeats...  well, that is going to happen anyways, so I can't take credit.

Enough of that digression, back to Steve Martin..  and this Short fellow.

I remembered and referenced a joke he made at a celebrity trophy give away, and Short was like, Here we are, the one percent, giving gifts to the one percent.  In fact, you are promoting movies... but whatever.  It was a telling moment, kind of put them all up against the wall, and said Hey Rich Liberals, did you give those tax cuts to charity.... or buy a ninth house...  I expect more of people than I should.  I have my ways, they have theirs.  Neither is going to make one lick of difference in the fate of the world in how we lived in the big picture, too late for that, though in the small picture we can still shine.  We can help others live cooler lives, which I hope as many rich people do as possible.  

 I wonder about this, artists who just got insane amounts of money, are they at fault for this, or is anyone born into wealth fucked because of their name.  I am sorry for our history, because I have never had anything except admiration in the highest for the art of these gentlemen, and the crazed state I was in never showed this.  Exactly the opposite.  People who live in ways that sentence so many others to starvation are not on my list of favorite humans on the planet alright...  really, truly depends on who they are, and only they know that.  Not me.  I am either a good example of a bad example, or no kind of example at all, as I prefer, in most ways.

I am still too horrified by the thought people will be taking my words as secret words to harm others.  This is never going to happen.  I will never give 'just you' a order because you share the name with someone...  or for any reason at all.  I would never authorize terrorism, attacks on civilians, forced conscription, child soldiers and oh so many tactics heard of over the years.   Had anyone informed me...  but it was fun to watch for some sick group...   that was one take on it I saw where I was a police officer.  

If I had known... should I have known...  it is very difficult to live without context this life.  I would NEVER have forced people into these situations, I have to say a zillion times because I do not want them repeated in the future.  My reaction will be the same.  I tried to end slavery... or something.  I barely remember any of this at all.

  I do not believe in any of this harm the rich stuff.  Tax the hell out of ya, yes.

 I believe that wealth can evolve, without taking too much from the uber wealthy, but these mansions I see will soon enough be seen by the eyes of Bolsheviks, after the big win, cut into apartments.   The closer we get to the end, the better the rich should be to everyone else.  Good will is what they need to buy, a priceless commodity when you have none of it... when you are the hunted.  God, these horrors in my head that I think to avoid.   I wish you well and have no clue what exactly is going to happen in the next few decades, and hope for the best.  What else can I do...  giving up is the one example you will not get from me, when it comes to some matters.  

 I remember going so crazy those first few days that I thought you would be able to keep brains alive, for real, in metallic bodies within my lifetime.  I cannot imagine such a device being created, nor myself being chosen...  sick memories.

These words of the past.  I need to find a way to serve people who try to look beyond myths, and see reality.  In mine, there is an active God.  He has proven He has found me worthy, and this is my glimpse of peace in this world.

I do not wish to be pressed into another conflict.  I want the aggressors on all fronts to find common ground on the world ending, and our need to give our children the best lives possible, even if they are not children born with Golden Spoons.

I suppose if those in power are insane enough to push trump, then the end move is close, and they want a dictator to fight protesters, especially the environment.  All across Europe the mentality creators are turning the crowds to the right.  Then Trump here.  What we have in this country sucks and needs changed, though Trump is not the man for the job.  Or any job at all, other than filling a chair in Mar A Lago being spoon fed big macs.

I Love You

   I awoke Saturday morning and felt in love with all of humanity, even trump came to mind and I could feel this spirit that I love despite what the flesh has done.  I could sense shining souls all around the planet and even threw mock kisses at the tv... to trump...  kind of thinking it would annoy him I must admit and hoping it would not be taken wrong...  but feeling a love beyond my caring about the watchers reactions.   I did not do this out of some plan, it was a feeling, one I seldom get anymore.

 I have been feeling caged of late.  Blinded, chained between the pillars of the temple, though not quite sure who I am surrounded by, be they friend or foe;  and if what they have blinded me to would have driven me mad, and being unchained, no longer entertaining to the pitiless crowd, would I no longer be given bread and water, be tossed out of the temple,  a desolate blind mind, sent out to slowly starve to death in the streets....  I know now I would never trust my judgement of others, this is the realm of God alone...  ignore the temptation to break the pillars, bring the temple smashing down.  No revenge or hate in my heart.  Trying to be grateful I eat, when so many starve.

I keep remembering looking at the tv, which I guess is how where I think of you as watching me from...  though you are other places, I try not to think about this, and do not say anything in certain rooms, hoping you will get the hint.  What do I know... my phone rings twice when my bladder is about to explode and I embarrass myself internationally... no number shows up afterward.  Who am I to be surprised there are people interested in my life...  me.

I must use this of course to try to do the most good for the most people.  I once thought I was the worst victim of all of this.  I did.  For years.  A little guy picked on, going crazy trying to fight a force I did not understand.  Those rages were... horrifying to me.  I never would have subjected you to these things that the cult did.  You need only ask me, and I will honestly answer you.  If I can.  I am not...  going to be an idiot about secrecy.  Yes, it matters.  The truth though, some, cannot be hidden.  People have to know, if they do not, that Trump is as evil as a man can be...  the spiritually wise know this from his actions and words and hatred.

I see the great ministers preaching against Trump, from the left, and am glad that Jesus has some representation, to argue with the fundamentalists, the money-man preachers.   I cannot imagine such people listening to me.  I do not know what echo chamber I am in... an international superstar I have been hearing for over ten years, and only notice once in awhile someone is acting like they know me.  Small ways, and I do not mind.  People could say hello, how you doing... whatever.  

I have been too insane to be involved in socialization forever it seems.  I need to leave this entire life out of my conversations.  Just be who I am without this.  I foolishly went around talking about .... ugh, I was incongruent with who I am now.  Temporary Insanity...  confusion mostly. I looked like an idiot, obviously.  A man with no depth.  

Perhaps you still feel this way about me, I have no idea.  My giving up on the idea of hate is not going to stop me from trying to stop certain behavior from manifesting.  Like Trump getting elected.  Can't happen.  

If it does, with this supreme court, the democratic experience could end altogether.  It has barely worked, but it has not had an out and out fascist yet.  They have behaved like they are at times and got away with it, though there were checks and balances.  This is the coup de tete.  My every word now must be a cry for peaceful negotiations now between the left and right, before Trump bullies his way into your Industrialists bosses wet dreams, a fascist country with worker-slaves, unions are actually about to be outlawed... no one has made a big deal of this, yet.  Wait until they start applying this one.

That is their response when the unions rise again, after hard work by so many for the sake of others, and trying to get us as fair a share as possible.  

God bless the Union.  

  like a stunning view from space, showing the gorgeous glowing blue circle of the earth, covered in oceans and clouds and continents.  Humans just a mere speck in the ecosphere below, hidden by the distance...  

A Creature Void Of Form

    The title comes from Shelter From The Storm, one of my favorite Dylan songs since my first listen, from an album I consider one of the best ever made;   though I might say that about another of his albums another day.   To find out that I was involved in something so huge that songs were being written about the event did not impress me, or make me feel like I had done something good...  just confused that the world on the tv and the radio was so different than my life.  Even though strange things happened all the time, of course.  Small things.  One day I hear on the radio he is singing about an intelligence event in Detroit, which I knew nothing about.  They 'spy' they sent me would only say 'Those were bad people.'  He also believed Seal Team Six should have been shot down, and I think you all know how I felt about that.  Thank God it happened, because the light flooded the darkness you had me in as a result.  The side-effects I never expected.

I remember when I said to vote for me, and was told 40% of people in some primary voted for me, instead of Obama, which freaked me out.   Then...  thank God I did not.  I would work only for the people, all of them.  That boat is gone though, I have no desire to get involved in a dying institution.  If not this strong man, than that one is going to take over.  Oil companies are more powerful than any other industry. 

 They are killing the planet, and no one can stop them... well, along with the US Armed forces, the biggest polluters in the world.  Toxic shit like Uranium bullets are being used, because the world is dying anyway, so who gives a fuck if the soil is contaminated in a war... and they are the least of it...  much as I love them, they need revamped from the ground up, and geared into a force to fight the environment, not other people.  In the end, they are going to be in the same sinking boat.  You can kill each other over provisions, or be fair about it.  I prefer to be fair and will fight for the weak to make it so if the strong decide that might makes right.  Win or lose...

I no longer know what to do.  Like many.  Biden and the war.  If not for that, the legislation he got passed would put him way above trump.  He should do a commercial showing what Biden was doing on these hundreds of days Trump was Golfing, and put down the cost of the trip he was on, opposed to zero costs for Biden.  Show them he is a grifter in language they understand.

A chart showing how tax cuts take money from the working classes.  SHOW THEM the simple fact.  Show them they are being tricked.  I should be writing an ad campaign, and being paid for it.  I could get you in the white house, I believe.  But I cannot sit here and applaud anyone who is not fighting tooth and nail to stop this genocide.  I like to think he is, but I like to think a lot of things that are not true.  I have professionals dribbling out what I get to know, so I have as little power as possible.  I give power away because, as you will discover, my source of power is more than our minds can imagine.

Or am I deluding myself...  I think of Mohammed a lot, how he thought he was crazy, as did his brothers I think, when he became a prophet.  I also remember that hospital visit where they out and out brainwashed me, and tried to tell me there would be cameras all over.  Tried to get me to go into treatment, when I have serious back issues, and need pills they would not give me.  Amy Winehouse writes her song about not going into treatment...  and I think I hope that is not me, I went to treatment plenty of times, when I needed off drugs.  That was no longer an option by then, but these assholes thought I was faking the pain probably, who knows...  they had me wrong, the fascists who want to enslave you are doing pretty good, longer hours with lower pay...  wage slaves...  the sword of Damocles forever over our heads.  "You are FIRED."  Three words that can take away everything you have, and does plenty...  the unlucky, with no one at their back, end up homeless.

I stumbled onto a battlefield, someone was shooting at me... someone else tossed me a gun.  I fought like hell.  That sums this shit up.  Now I want my pay.  I do not care how much YOU FUCKED UP trying to use me to take over the country, that is not reason enough to keep me in jail.  I am who I am and I am not going to change, other than being my usual kind self again, most of the time.  I do have to express my frustration, and I do not wish to do it in a way that it causes individuals to have a negative reaction.  They will, but I do not need it to be because of my presentation.  Let them stick to the issue, as I will.  Name calling back and forth is someone I was a long time ago, when this first started.

I had no idea what this army was fighting for, by the way...  just figured they must feel like me, or they would not be backing me...  I was wrong.  When I laid out how I truly would do this, orange, peaceful, it became something altogether different.  I grow sick of politicians doing nothing, or shit they cannot touch...  slavery needs stopped, no one does it.  I tried, and yeah, I will take a few bucks off rich people to free slaves.  Problem is, I am not a part of any organization... a registered Democrat, is it.

Why I wonder do I keep watching television at all.  I try to break the fourth wall, I guess...  though you tell me a lot with your colors and shit, which don't mean much to me...  I do not want to tell people how to dress.  I think of this and shake my head, waves of pain flow through me....   look at the time and see the clonazepam has stopped numbing me out. The pain in the body has been better, in the mind and the heart and gut I wake open to all the memories, hearing myself moaning God out loud and such, shaking my head...  the tiniest of mistake, the time I was not kind...  from my life before I became a person whom God tells I please him, and the feeling is enough to make me walk to a cross to stop a war.  To stop that sin.  I told them to sell everything and buy swords.  If the book is right, I went back and forth on this one... and then questioning God from the Cross... this sounds like me.  The Psalms sound like me.  I would stop a stoning.  I hate people using God like a shill game to make money.  The modern equivalent of the Temple Tantrum.  When a quiet, peaceful man suddenly loses his shit, people notice.  'He has changed so much,' my friends told you, you told me...  did you mention to these people you brainwashed me into thinking I was Jesus, before you let them live underground...  I would NEVER have allowed what happened to you.

YOU ALLOWED IT>..   and participated.  Yet I am to fucking blame...  well, if you feel that way, how about saying it to my face... tv is not to my face.  Look me in the eye and make your accusations.  Will you be a trumpian zealot who cannot listen to logic, or will you be able to have an actual conversation about life and death matters, instead of playing whatever sick game you do...  I have helped you so much, but I will always fight your racism, anti-semitism, etc...  any xenophobia you have makes your thinking suspect on certain topics, others you may have an answer or two.  I may never be able to forgive you folk for what you did to me, and when I think like that, I think of all of you, this entire tribe has disgraced itself by treating a good man like a puppet you can use for evil.   God does not allow me to be used by evil....   evil comes to me to die.  Will you come throw yourself on this pile of bodies around me...  they will never stop growing, even when I am merely an image in their minds, and words on a page.

A generation I knew was worthless, the yuppies who came up just before me, we should have killed them all off that first fucking night, like I did in most lives...  he spared you.  I would not have.  You might have noticed, I spare no one.  Friend or foe.  You all die.  Quit making such a big fucking deal of it.  You hell bounds have no clue there even is a God... I have a slim idea of what God showed me in a vision  of hell.   I must destroy their selfish, narcissistic tendencies to free those who are trapped.  More dear to my heart, I have to save those they are preying on.  The sheep on the edges of the huddled, terrified herd.  

I watched Dune 2 yesterday.  He is a much crueler Paul than the books.  When he talks about all the people who are against him, and how they were going to 'send them to heaven.'  I never suspected I would end up in a situation where my words were law.  Let alone that I would not know, because the whites are still intent on some weird superiority, over others in the tribe.  This myth of our countries we come from and all that shit... what do I care about the past.  I am back to how I was as a kid, when I hated history classes, though I read every history book in the library, because if it did not apply to now I did not want to know it. I have enough history to know what I am up against.

The history of the strongman, and no democracy representing the wishes of the people, is how you end up at war in the first place.  No sane person wants war.  Arms salesmen are not sane.  The arms industry is not sane.  I went thru hell to avoid being the strong man they put in to take over the country.  I had no plan to take over the country, I was writing political criticism.  A lot of folks were, and I just compared myself to them, though I thought I was being repressed, and no one knew about me...  except spies who used tv to fuck with me, or like me.  I had no idea about the stations.  NBC racist.   How did you get so fucked up....  change it.  Now.  I held your fucking lives in my hand and wanted to make a fist and slam it into the wall after you used me like that, I speak of whatever the fuck that show was that made fun of saturday night live.  You thought I was on your side, when I had no fucking idea what you were doing...  just making fun of me.  It was suddenly like I was the plot of too many shows.  I am not vindictive, do not believe I have a right to take revenge -- I consider this Heresy against God.  I made out like I was because I 'felt' that way momentarily, which is why Premeditation makes killing a person much worse.  I never hit anyone.  I am a grown man, and though I have been in very dangerous situations, I de-escalated by  not judging anyone, and others followed my lead.  In my physical life.  This is me.  I wanted to leave behind a writer's past full of tall tales I told myself...  but it was an excuse for a man who lied without thought.

I always wondered why I was like this, especially when I tried so hard not to be.  Drinking made it worse.  Sober, I was the good guy, usually...  I suppose learning to lie was required to do this job.  Now that this has left me, and I am back almost to that four year old who could not lie.  I remember being him, then the year in the hospital....   did they find I was growing wings...  why would they cut them off if they did...  I do not understand.  They should have let the child grow with the wings.  He was a good kid, loved everyone, and even apologized to spoons if he dropped them, or drawers if he closed them too tight.  A child who felt everything is alive.  Luckily, I have forgotten the torture my older brother put me through, though his torture of animals still haunts me...   How could a person with such an upbringing not be of interest to the church, and all kinds of groups...

I cannot tell and do not wish to play on religious mythology by saying I grew wings, though I dreamt over and over of flying and driving as a child.  I ended up taking driving jobs my entire life, driving God knows how many miles...   another co-incidence, perhaps.  That list grows and grows and where it stops nobody knows.  God is kinder than you know.  I am kinder than you have allowed me to be, other than in public, where I am my polite self.

Kevin Hart.

I watched the second movie in the Hart series, an actor who was the go between during some serious shit.  I WANT to say I know for sure he represents my side, in some way, in the media.  He has never been a violent person, always the encouraging one.  I do not know him personally but... so when movies came out about him, saying Hart will die I watched wondering... Netflix was behind a couple of the worst of the propaganda that took place under their old ownership or perception, I have no clue...   I liked the first one.  The second came out, just as I am thinking why now...  after all this, are they treating me this way... what is it that I do not know...  In this second in the series, he treats everyone around him like shit, and a guy with bad teeth, his stunt man, takes over his life and he ends up in jail.... and the stuntman who looks like him, who is nice to everyone, takes over.   

I have been writing for a long time that friendliness will be the last currency...  I of course know this is fiction and he is making fun of such types..  I wondered, being me, does he think I treat people like shit, and all these things.  I hope not.  Does the end mean the guy who actually took the hits, they made all their movie money off of...  get to have some friends, do something interesting to fill my time.  Make a movie.   Odd dream.  Too many important things to do, though I could fit a lot into a film, I suppose.   

I do feel all the time that people sacrificed more than I can imagine during this epoch.  Feel.  I cannot imagine going through what many of you have.  How am I to continue to be influential in both politics and religion... without destroying one of the other.  Oil and water.  Politics requires dealing with the devil in the flesh, religion is dealing with the devil in the realm of the soul.  I wish I could explain this better.  Ethics and religion inform politics.  When you have a state religion, of any sort, you are oppressing so many people...  stealing their cultures, lives, etc...  Dissent between religions is an insult to GOD.  All religions are trying to serve the same God -- a word that is now so full of various meanings as to be meaningless to most people.  New generations do not always wish to follow the ways of the old, new problems pop up...  the church learns, throws out the old salt, changes their ways.  Basic.

I had no idea you were in this desperate secret world or I would have shined the light on that shit and sent the darkness away.  I cannot do this from the future.  I did it once in the present, then I killed off that army.  After using them to kill off another army.  I helped the right wing... no I helped the left in the end.  You must not be used by spies.  I do not want people killing each other over shit I say, even the thought about Trump, which is true...  were I another person,  the one I described as Johnny Pain, I would have figured out a way to kill him.  I am no Johnny Pain.  A crippled guy in Chicago who has powerful friends and enemies, and no clue how the answers are not obvious to everyone.

The answers are there.  There is no political will.  This is why I would use the Armed Forces to correct Democracy, re-vote right down to judges.  More intelligent people than me already know how to do this.  It will work.  When we show them the reality of the Greenhouse effect, they will understand we have a mutual enemy, we must band together to fight.  I would find these people in every country in this world and use their knowledge to web together whatever better future we can...  at least give them some kind of safety...  I would never go into a hole and let the world die above me.  I will die helping people who are poor, forgotten, hunted...