Looking Around For Myself In the Millions of Masks of War

   

  I remember there was someone in this body before me.  Before I was kidnapped, and taken down into the nine circles of Hell.  Left where no one had escaped before... but ONE... this same one, who looked like nothing to my kidnappers, just another worthless human to be used and discarded.  Little did they know... so little did they know.  This was the ONE who had seen Hell before, and this one left again.  A fake hell, man-made, nothing to the original servant of God and earth.  From inside me came a warrior, a God-thinking creature seeking pure justice, pure love, pure... the ideals of the unbloodied, of one who does not understand how humans hurt one another physically, does not understand cruelty, how a human could torture another.  I had an idealized love for all humanity, built up among my many criticisms.  

A self-despising man who covered his disappointment in himself with bluster and self-promotion, the mask of the salesman.  Long after all knew my name, or feared me, or whatever is going on here.  I see, or even hear, someone who seems to know me.  I always remember one guy, asian, who I bought a computer from.  They did not know me.  Next time I saw them, they said, JOHNNY PAIN, to me, like it was a big deal.  Then, the last time, the asian guy, alone, looking terrified at the sight of me, not being the congenial salesman of before.  Another time, I am told the kid I impulsively gave my t-shirt to, who I just happened to ride the elevator with twice, had made me a hero.  A hero gives you the shirt off their back, the news showed me that night..  He could have spoke to me, said hello, shook my hand... hell, taken me out to lunch to talk.

I am not a person who would have you all stay away from me.  I am not sure why you do this...hmmm.   Some are in the loop, some are not...  you all seem to hear from me around Chicago.  I am humbled when I hear what I believe is also believed by enough that the political will I help supply, I guess, pushes it thru.  I noticed when I made my decision for Mayor, Mayor Johnson shot up in the polls.  He deserved this, earned it on his own, seems to be doing a hell of a job and I love him deeply.  God chooses who is where.  This city, think what you want, is the second most Holy Place on this planet.  Rome feels the most Holy to me, though I am not sure why...   I think because so many people consider it so, though Mecca would do just as well.  I feel the same from there.  Nazareth feels Holy.  I think it as one place then my heart goes all over, telling me, You love it all....  I can remember mornings after my meditations when I would see beauty everywhere, I was watching a glorious water puddle at the moment, reflecting the city all around.  That is the me I need to find again. Or the pieces of him left.  

I know I would not want to be anyone other than who I am right now.  That person could not handle my present level of power.  Not wanting power is a requirement of receiving real power.  Those who want it find a false version, that is meaningless.  Power is NOT NEEDING much.  You take power over the consumer oriented, object oriented, society by minimalizing to needs, mostly. Otherwise you are controlled.  A lot of people want to swim in the middle of the school, thinking it provides safety, and it does.  I swim away from the school, my contempt for the normal, a reaction to their contempt for me.  Though I really just wanted them to like me.

Regardless, that is soooo long ago.  That was a teenager.  I am a man now.  Perhaps you still think I am ignorant and have a lot of growing up to do, and you might be right.  What do you know that I do not which makes my words sound ridiculous now.  I remember plenty of times in the past that if I had known, I would not have said such and such and such....  I would not have lived at all the same way.  No going back.  I have the reprieve in my mind of knowing I did not draw first blood.  I did not have a choice.  I was being used by forces I did not know existed until this started.  I also know I cannot go back.  I have today and what today does to the future.

The Injustices once overwhelmed me.   A wave of eviscera:  bones, bit of brain, limbs...flowing on blood.  Always the blood.  Using a heavenly sword mighty enough to hang over 8 billion heads without any effort by me, the humble vessel of a mighty God, to slash and slice a path thru the dead of friend and foe alike...  driven on by a God who has shown me too many times to disbelieve, there was another side, where  the light would no more be tinged red by the mist of blood in the air shining like rubies in the sunlight.  Peace.

I have turned my sword into a plow, to cultivate the souls of humyns, who need guidance on the path, as was offered to me before, and held me in good steed in the worst of times. To repeat what the Elders have told me, to reinforce what I believe in the Churches, and to criticize what seems Old Salt.  As the Christ before me, I did not come onto this planet because the churches were ready for the future, I came because they needed my words to have a future, sanctuaries where the Lord could be felt, where even the lowest could find some solace in dark, brutal times and lives...  nothing to scoff at, real or not, hope to the hopeless has value, inside their mind, where the real battle is fought during times of severe crises... like being homeless and hopeless.   

I am driven on now by finding a connection with a Church, one I had dreamt I would find in Chicago when I was 24.  Found in a weird way I will not repeat.  Still, odd at 61 to remember that wild, long dream of Christ coming back when I was here, divorced when I was not...  all the signs of what was to come, to one day remind me, I am here with powers undreamt of in human minds.  I am here to serve humans with these powers, not harm them.  I would not learn this for sure until I was finally sure that I could contact all those who most needed a reminder of peace.  I like the way they have their services, though I enjoy others, used to attend Black churches in Toledo, Ohio for the music and the incredible friendliness.  Being an oddity, in that prejudice city.  God help us.

I wish to begin attending various churches in person, though I am not sure where I would be welcomed.  I remember a black minister asking me for clarification on the idea of ancestors, for which I had no answer, having had that aspect of my vision surprise me.  I had never given the dead much thought, other than to wonder about the one ghost I ran into and how he could still be here, what such things meant... a suicide.  Told the story too often to repeat.  I suspect if you read my stuff you see the repeating so often, as I stupidly argued with people who had no clue.  Searched conspiracy theories to find out what was happening to me... finding only operation Bluebeam, seeing how it applied, but also know it did not...  or hoping it did not.  We are beyond that.  God is ironic.  Humans trying to be this heretical get more than they bargained for when dealing with God.  

  The only thing I fear, and I do get a hint of fear, but it is also with the revulsion I get when confronted with situations where I would never do that and just imagined it, is declaring myself God.  I fear this because I do not want to turn people away from their God based on my actions, but I also feel how disrespectful that would be to one, whom I love and revere too much to ever even wish to compare the two of us... let alone wish I was God.  I know how tiny I am next to God and that is not humbling, it is reassuring because I know the great Love from which all has sprung.

The day I came out to the television upon waking and told the tv Have you figured out who you are dealing with yet...  I am God.      During the period of fighting, as I remember it... At the time this may have been true.  The person I was during this time is foreign to me.  I cannot imagine alerting three superpowers to stay out of my way, and having them do so...  what came next I cannot imagine having ever done... as well.  God is slow to anger, and so am I... though I put each slight in a place that sooner or later becomes combustible. I have written my reasons for these actions, though they came without planning, just a general rule which I had told you many times, I was not going to build a throne that could be used by another for evil, and there was an aspect of that there...  but now, I feel only mourning and respect for what they did first, saving our country.  I had no idea so many would heed the call.

I no longer wish to discuss the times of dissent, unless necessary to make peace.  I do not know if it is possible to mend the bridge, or if it has been...  I guess in some ways it has.  I was always proud to be associated with China.  Read about good things they did... mostly I know the art, the philosophy, and the revolution... but that was portrayed here with lies.  I am not going to go along with the haters of the countries and I cannot change their politics.  Though bringing people from all over the world together is the key to peace.  We discover we all like to have a good time, laugh, play with children, eat good food...  that we are all so alike in loving to give pleasure to others.

Cultural exchange must continue I believe even in the midst of war.  I think the Russians should be allowed to compete in sports, etc.   Because only by meeting one another and experiencing things together can the find peace, as the Olympics was based on.  I felt great power during that Olympics which was a bit of a time of madness for me.  I cannot remember exactly what was going on, but there was fighting, and I wanted this hidden.  Wanted people concentrating on the Sports while we did our work.  I thought, think, could not verify.  Way too much has happened for me to have a very linear time line on all of this, and I am not sure I should be writing one.  What DO YOU want me to hide....

I ask myself about the Government sometimes...  or other groups.  One I will never mention their name.  I got that rules down a bit...  but I keep thinking, If everyone was watching me, they know all this shit.... so what does it matter....  but now I feel that ending the war here is my first priority.  Soldiers who fought on whatever side, especially the brainwashed ones like I am, need to be forgiven.  I did other things, long after them, hate me if you must wish someone for those matters, though on this front.  I had no clue what was going on.   The others, some I have dissed, which now I regret.  That was war, this is peace.  For me to speak ill of someone, and hurt their feelings after all the shit people have been through would be cruel.

I was angry that people thought I was who you thought I was.  I found the questions absurd.  After all my writing you came to me with this racism crap, this misogynist crap,  that people were using my supposed orders to do evil in all kinds of ways.  Those I elevated or mentioned, when I thought all the world would be forgiven and we would all be together... fiction met reality on my television.  The madman thinking the box was talking to him, the ultimate defense.  YOUR honor, he believed this tv commercial meant...  how absurdly brilliant it all is.  Right in plain site.  Why hide, you control everything.  Like Springsteen slipped into that song, he works for king dollar, where your silence is taken as honor....

I used to love Springsteen.  Then I was listening to him during a very dark period.   I was feeling like I had to be strong to accomplish I do not know what.  I began to have ideas I would be set free and paid...  it was the last of the madness that overtook me.  Temptation.  When I believe it was finally offered, it was in a way that seemed like cheating.  If everyone knows of me, why does no one speak to me...  I am jailed or a hostage.  I still do not understand why.... perhaps this is your mercy, after what I have done.   

I saw a movie made in 2022 that had some character they made up about me being killed.  Idris Alba none the less.  Then Netflix, which dissed me before, came out with a new Peacemaker.  He would kill anyone to get peace... like my total war for total peace... Which was a metaphor, meant to get people to protest, not kill one another.  He got shot down because he was following orders from a black woman, a continuing motif with my character, though no such person exists in my life.  Then Netflix brought the characters back when they finally fucking got something of a clue about me, though still insulting, it was funny, the actor charming.  I found out a lot more, made sense of the Damon Wayans storyline, when a character who seemed like me, whose parents were white supremacists and kill him in the end.   

In the new Peacemaker, he is in prison, and told he has killed a lot of blacks, and tells the guard this is a misnomer.  Which it is a lie.  That is all that fucking is.  I never once advocating killing anyone based on a stereotype, let alone blacks, who I had lived with most of my life, and had developed unshakable ethics by the time you grabbed me.  God used me, too.  I think, in my head, you pissed him off by messing with me waking up, made a mistake, based a color I wore on a code of yours I did not know existed... you placed my politics.  Along with me throwing out a cocktail party opinion I had on Kafka, that I did not even think I needed to make clear.  I assumed everyone would know there was prejudiced in those times, and he woke up one day to see people looked at him differently he had no control over.  Made perfect sense to me.  I did not mean this as a diss toward Jews.  I had no clue anyone would ever do what was done.

Tried to right a wrong.  I ended up finding out I was being used to single out people, and that there was soe kind of conflict with Jews a number of years ago.  All a mistake on your part, I always told you I do not feel that way.  I do not stereotype Jews, though they do themselves I have noticed.  Maybe that makes it easier for the Zionist

  This is what peace means, forgiving enough to live together, for the record.  An invitation then to learning that you are all one family above, and on as it is in Heaven, it should be on earth...  will it...  one day perhaps, when the last living man stands among the wreckage of this planet... cries his last tear, takes his last gasp, and says his last prayer, safe in his knowledge the hands of God will life him to heaven..

I was possessed by the Spirit, during the period you saw me suddenly fighting in a war.   I think many get it, in all kinds of ways, but this was something I alone was in a place to do and out of seeming chaos came together a part of the plan of a God.  Not someone who alerts me to what is coming.  Had he asked me did I want to do those things, who I am would say Hell no...  I would not have thought myself the one to steer at times, especially in harsh waters, enemies having stole all the charts and maps, left me alone in storm with waves threatening to knock me over.  I just let go of the wheel and God steers me home every time.  Know that well.

Now I am seeking something perhaps frivolous, perhaps more important than anything I have ever done.  Writing for the future.  For a time of mourning, terror, rapid changes, and temptations to the darkest sins offered by the worst of the soul snatchers, we will call them--because ethic's eaters doesn't sound as cool. And to some they may be.

  I went to hell on Good Friday a couple years ago, while conscious dreaming, something I had learned for another reason....  spent time there seeing vague figures in suits,  gesticulating like they were the most important person, saying the most important things... no one listened to each other.  They did not even seem to notice each other, or me, floating above them.  I thought afterwards they did not even know they were in hell because that was all they thought life was, another deal to make a few bucks.   They had built their own hell, or the image of hell God decided to send to me.

Also a sign.  When you just happen to be someone a lot of people think is Christ, who had something removed from two places on his back, and chemo for a year....  and is told by the highest of the high I grew wings they cut off.  To keep me in control, I suppose they thought.  Religiously, I from the very start of this, you tried to call me an Angel, and I was revulsed by the thought.  I still am.  I am not an angel, but the one to whom angels bow, even Satan.  I am feared by Angels, yet humans threaten me...  perhaps I am protected by Angels, but they would not be in human form, just whispering in ears... I have no clue.  Anything I say about angels is a bit poetic speculation, because I cannot say I have met an angel.

In this life I am still scientific, which is essential, and I was humbled when I saw an English show do something about this at the church of England.

There is no way I am not going to insult some of you.  I have.  In case you have not noticed, I am an evolving creature.  I don't know why.  Some of it was the drugging in the beginning, and then the brainwashing,   For all those years, my war was what kept me going...  driving away my enemies required yelling at you, despising you. You fought one of the masks, or a lot of them.  I am not the God of a million masks.  Again, a metaphor though I may have believed this once, but now I am stripping away a lot of what is unnecessary to believe.  Simplifying, and here I am finding a simple, dum truth I always knew,  Love is God and Hate is Satan.  As good a metaphor for the religious and the agnostic or whatever.   Of course to make Love's presence play out in this world requires moving mountains, a specialty of mine.

I have in the end of three or whatever months starving myself the truth God is LOVE.  You made fun of this in a song, The White Stripes, about love hitting you in the mouth, making enemies out of friends...  I sang along, and as another song referred to me, 'he has no idea what they mean.'  I thank you for fighting the evil you saw, if this is what you were doing,  The Force produced by my words were steered by other humans into means to prey on others.... I did not wish most of you harm, even when I heard of horrible deeds.  I just wanted them to stop, and if that could be done without violence, I was willing to forgive and forget a lot for the sake of having a future.  Not for me, but for all of us.  In my vision, the police and the protesters are friendly, both participants in trying to make a better country.  Cops protecting peoples right to protest peacefully.

BACK To finding myself.... after digression, followed by digression...

.  Now I am trying to come down from all of this, tell myself this mission is to be always watchful for the Democracy for which I stand, though seeking peace with people from all lands, which I do not wish to politically judge.  If this is my trade off to feed and clothe people, help them with shelter, then this I will do.  I wish there were groups like this that are trusted and sure there are.  UNRWA gave me the idea.  I also used the metaphor in the Submarine Story of just saving people in battle zones, regardless of the politics.  The idealized thinking of a Messiah, or messianic thinking if you want.  Does what metaphor the truth is in matter...hmmm -- my new question mark.

I read through this and saw myself once more going over the old, and not sticking to the point.  Should write an outline before starting... ha.   Who I am now I suppose is all that can be important to me now.  I have always felt innocent, misunderstood, out-gunned, de-fanged...  whatever psych shit they used on me worked.  A mental illusion to keep the 'God' some called me, and tangled me up with a guy in their Bibles, who is not me.  I am John Scott Ridgway, born in this time, bringing a new message.  Whatever body this spirit inhabited before is not something I wish to effect much.  I am not worthy of worship, Jesus was.  He was born to be the lamb.  I was born to be the Lion, who lays down with the lamb.

A shaggy shepherd doing what he can talking to the sheep.  Most of it they don't get, of course.  A few simple commands.  Love though, this they understand.  Gentle touches and tone, this they understand.  Sometimes I just babble to them, keep myself company by speaking to myself and God...  in my life others listen, await some order.  I have no orders to give you.  I see you protesting peacefully and I am encouraged, confronting the environment, suring the oil companies, and so much more....  I know the numbers will grow as times get worse, and the power of the workers will have some influence for awhile.  Before the inevitable collapse.  Coming far enough away there is no need to panic.   Celebrated for what we have, and take delight in what we will soon enough mourn.

  What happened in the past, you can hate me over all that with no damage to your soul, or real anger from me, even if I do show annoyance occasionally, or more likely, suffer a memory that makes me grimace.... which I hope is not confused with the show I am watching or what is being said as a rebuke. I may hate the act but I have to keep my focus on redemption, in the now.  

I have access to world  Leaders, and more important, the people of all countries, who see the laughter of their children, and who just want the  peace to love, free from the rampant numbers of slavery we have now... slavery of mind to the synapses being manipulated by repetition.  Slavery to bosses who exploit.  Slavery to states of mind long ago left behind.  Slavery to their illicit and licit bosses.  Out right slaves, some beaten and put on the streets to be sold to men, put in message parlors, flown all around the country, working in rich houses where they bring in the undocumented, then threaten them and their families with Arrest.  I despise these slaveries... and will do all I can to spread the message of personal freedom, one all countries agree on, people to people inter-action destroys xenophobia.  We need this more than ever in this country.

I end this with what is always going on in my mind, an apology...  to everyone who was hurt by any of this, I feel sorrowful and at fault, whether I was or not.  I know I could have done this differently, and would have, but this world picked the wrong person to pick a fight with.  I am no longer that man.  Or I no longer wish to see or need that archetypal warrior again in such manners. I fear the time of peace is a ways off and then I think, what the hell do you know....  and I know nothing about what you are going to do.  God knows, trump gets elected or tries to fight his way into the white house, I will weather the storm and fight on...  but Lord, will the world suffer.  

   

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgb

 Not because of me, but because of what has happened here, and the quality of people here, and that we are an equal mix of races, who must show the whole world we can get along and thrive.  That this is not black and white, it is wrong and right.

I Lose My Place

   

   I am not trying to win followers, or trying to influence people who will not listen to me...  I would NEVER force my words on anyone.  I would not want to be taken as writing scripture.  I need it to be known that a mind can change, at any age, when they find the truth.  Or think they have.  Or settled on one... or had one thrust upon us. My truth is that I do not want to be involved in the violence and hatred of this world.  I do not wish to be exclusive in loving one type of person, color, whatever...  I will not stereotype.  I will judge behavior, if it is my business...  mostly I do not care.  This is heart of Christianity, forgiveness, and repentance.  I would add confession, but for some they feel their sins are between themselves and God, others themselves and other people. I cannot judge people after the events of my life without being a hypocrite.  I can judge behavior;  this does not mean I condemn the entire human, or think they should be hurt, or shunned.

I am seeking within for my most honest self.  The person long ago set away to be preserved, while my warrior side left the monastery to fight...  dragged out in chains, which I wear to this day.  Though I do not wish to fight anyone at all, I never did.  This time I have divested a lot of power, if not all of it, in gestures I believed required to prove my loyalty to my country, which has been unwavering, despite my criticism -- which was meant to make things better.  Instead, I was in a dream land.  Now I am more aware of my situation than ever before.  I am not sure what to do.  I feel a rage at the thought of fascism. A fear that the states may break apart, and Illinois will be blue in a sea of Maga Red.  They will be unruly mobs, doing God does not even want to know what.  

You showed me Dominion and said of the show Those are your people.   I was appalled at what I saw.  I did not know how to react. Always, Had I known...  echoes across my mind.  I am so nothing like you thought.  I cannot begin to think how any good I have done makes up for the lives taken. Life is not a balance, I know and most of this I had nothing to do with, nor would I have, and I had no choice...  perhaps do still not.  I hope any line of communication coming from me to people is one of peace.  Non violence.  This is no time to destroy the infrastructure of this country with a war.  the climate is doing that already, and that will only grow worse.   

This is a journal of course of my spiritual and intellectual journey, trying to write something new after years of my words being bludgeons.  Or propaganda or bullshit I believed to fill in certain blanks.  Now I am trying to come to terms with how myself and others were forced to involve ourselves with a cult.  I am not trying to do anything more than be here to say I want Peace.  For me to judge you has been a fault.  An anger that stopped me from thinking clearly filled me in battle, which seemed like everyday.  Always something new.  For now, when what happened to people involved, the tactics and such that in the end drove me almost mad with anger, are brought up around me I will react.  I am no longer angry at anyone in particular at all. I am disappointed, and confused.   

I know I say that I wish everyone, even those who differ from me in beliefs, to make peace, for the benefit of civilians, the environment, etc.   I mean this.  What good words coming from someone hated...  what good at all....  

I lost my place recently, the position you gave me, and I basically ignored.  And others tacked on later.  I see the symbols that were my sign posts disappearing.  I have vague notions of what some of it means.  Other parts, no.  My part now is not to raise some army to challenge the government.  I forget that you have just met me.  Real me.  Stripped of the macho lies, and huffing and puffing, and the pretense I could know more than I do, which I did to keep you off kilter.  You asked me about a plan, long ago, and I pretended I had ten.  When in reality I did not know enough to confront the tasks put before me.  Then God took over.  I was surprised by my reactions.  Very surprised.  I do not need to plan.  Either you are doing so, or God is doing so.  I am always plagued by doubts.  I think this is good.  Better that than a bunch of declarative sentences spouting the 'truth.'

I was remembering the other day when I first heard one of you call me a hero.  This thought of anyone thinking I was a fucking hero was so far from my mind that I sat on my bed feeling sick, thinking the things that have happened around me, all of it, makes me feel like a terrible person, most of the time.  I know I acted to my ethical standards, though I have no clue what my words actually inspired.  Let alone where this has left me in the hierarchy of this world.  I do not wish to have the power to instigate crime.  I do not wish to instigate violence.  I cannot imagine any reason I would again.  I saw war to learn to hate war.  In my way, what information they allow us to have in prison.  Not exactly like being out there with a gun.  Just inside with my tv and radio.

At present, I feel sorry for all the Jews who in the past were Zionists, who now see this...  and are silenced by peer pressure, or talking out....  I will not hate them all for their beliefs.  I would hear some of the moderates out.  Mostly I would say with some that I will disagree on this, but I will not hate you for your belief.

Still, forgiving white supremacists, is particularly difficult for me because they used me for so long before I realized what was happening.  I was baffled by why you were putting me on tv in the first place.  I did not know what you were doing, and would not have agreed with some of it.  The cult made some of this happen, I know.  This I forgive and mourn and know how you feel a bit, though not fully.  I have NEVER trusted someone like you did me, and I hope you never trust anyone like that again.  Including me, of course.  I am going to be wrong, still learning, and still accepting what the new learning does to the old...

I do want peace with everyone.  I was known this way so long, as a racist, something I had fought all my life... that I was stunned anyone could think such a thing.  I thought this was just a given.  Yes, I was ignorant, but not of basic ethics.  I thought of the little kids you told me thought I was a good Jesus who loved everyone that I would hate them based on color...  that broke my heart into pieces I will never recover.  That keeps happening, not going to be much left...  some days I drug these feelings away, rather than express them.   I despise the thought of you making out that Jesus hates anyone, let alone because of things they have no control over....  I have repressed all of this, because they were stills from a movie I couldn't watch.  Now that I have a perspective on the carnage I am besieged by memories that made little sense at the time, or I had to pass right by... 

I cannot express sorrow on this page enough for the past.  I will not write some biography.  Enough has been written about this by me.  I do not wish to stir up trouble with a careless word.  I wish to cause no more suffering, and ease what I can.  For those who know me spiritually, I am not sure how to address you at times.  The confusion I have caused again grieves me greatly.  I pray each night for mercy and forgiveness with great urgency to feel the soothing touch of my lord.  Pray over and over,   Dear Lord God, Forgive me for my sins... a mantra that takes me into sleep once in awhile afterwards.

I read that Jesus comes as a dove, not an eagle.  I never called myself an eagle.  I could never be in politics, after all of this, though I will help them when I can.  I even thought, ask them to write you in on the ballot like you did way back when, see what happens...  but so much has happened between then and now.  I would never do this mind you.... no way.  Back then I was in no shape.  Now I simply think that is mixing politics and religion.  Not that I think this could happen.  Nor do I sit around dreaming about taking over anything.

That is the Irony of you calling me Napoleon for awhile, when I never once, in my life, actually contemplated taking over anything.  I did not want to take over the country.  I did not want to take over an out of control underground force, let alone people seeking God, in my ranting and raving....  I was never a guy who wanted much at all.  Just the basics.  That these things happens tells me there is a God, or forces behind all this who are up to something I know nothing about.  How else would a guy who does not even know a criminal, end up being called a leader in a mob...  or a guy who has never knowingly met a Chinese spy be considered a spy.... or a guy who had no intentions of a revolution, suddenly having never before granted access to everywhere and people of import saying things...  Nothing needing repeating.

I do not want anything now and I do not want to be a threat to the Government in Orange garb, as the Simpsons someone put out.  If anything of that sort was to happen I hope they do get arrested.  I do not think the Movement I envision, whatever you call it, became all powerful.... but the whole thing was about preserving government.   I wanted my last testament on protest to repudiate what I had written before, and out and out say I was wrong.   I proved I believe this with actions, not words.  But only a surprise force I did not know even existed forced my hand. 

You really seem to think I know so much more than I do.   I wish I had, though to some one's advantage, I am kept ignorant.  For all I know, that could be for my own sake.  God does this.  He knows what I can handle -- you who keep thinking I am going to just fall apart one day, forget who I am.  Who takes control of my life at times.  Who protects me now with a wall of corpses...   just an idle threat tossed out while under attack, I thought, from unseen forces, all those years ago on the beach.  This has happened with too many of my words to write violence, or even think it.  I am tv-deadened to that use of violence, unless the story is about someone who lived, then they devastate me.  I wait for the right mood.  Like with Hampton, who I know little about,  really, just the ravings of one of his friends, and a class on the Black Panthers and co-intel pro. 

I just want to be here for the good of all.  The left and right break up of this country is insane at this point.  All the secrecy finally erupted into people just believing anything.  That was part of it.  Control the press, and people who can make up whatever, as long as they hide government truths, and remember who pays them, and what nice lives they have compared to those they report on.  I am not judging them.  Terror, the modern state of mind, drives most people.  A terror that has crept across the planet, somehow, and there is no heroic force great enough to defeat this, except plain old, always there some where for something, LOVE....  this can sound trite to you, and some will not be capable.  Not my business.  I sure as hell will never judge anybody by whether they take my word for something or not.  I hope you research and see if I am right, let me know if I am wrong.

  I love my country, because of all the people I have known here, not because of the government, though they have helped me out in my life as well, our societies safety nets, and I am grateful to them.  I know the government is a sprawling monolith filled with mostly decent people.  Not just a few politicians we vote on.  In a way they may be the least of it,  it is the other parts of the machinery that keep the people alive, work with us, in my case disable, offer assistance, great healthcare.  I would be an idiot to want my country destroyed.  I used to write for some future revolution I was never going to see.  I figured they would leaders and a plan, etc.  I was in a bedbug infested apartment screaming as I walked my dog on the beach.  One guy said he could not work with me, once, and I thought who are you and how am I working with you and how did all this shit happen....   all over an attempt to help the oppressed.  Without a good leader they became oppressors.  Or they were meant to be...  the plans of others they would not tell me, or they would have gotten the reaction they did....  no churches for me.     My God, I am sorry.  I want to wash the Popes feet, and cry with him over what happened to that church during this time of great change.  I can choose no religion, and do not agree with the church on Abortion, but churches are not for agreeing with me, they are for you and God to decide how you will live.  There are too many wonderful ways for me to say one is better than another, right or wrong in the eyes of God... though I will try to show there is more light in some than others, this does not mean I wish to make enemies of any preacher.  Even the money talkers.  They are just parts of the plan I do not understand.  I am no longer going to judge what I do not understand, and you should understand that is everything except ethics.  Ethics is my expertise.  Situational, and universal.

 I am willing to work with you now.  I do so not out of defeat, or lack of power.  I do so out of the same sense of decency I have always more or less stuck to all of my life.  I will not do evil.  I will not assist. If you ask me to,  I will turn on you and you know this.  You know I expect from soldiers what they cannot really give in flesh.  Most.  They are trapped in uniforms doing things no human should have to.  Ever.  I write ideals but if you try to stay within their bounds, most of the time you will.  When it matters, you will do so by habit.  This has been how I have lived since I started becoming a strong man, with a bit of wits about him, while going to school and driving cab, getting my degrees from an institution and the streets.

I may not be able to bring the fire to these pages I once did...   Hampton, our ancestor, words  about fighting fire with water is what I believe now.  Peaceful protests and light blue and orange knowing better than to play the 1%'s game of getting you two to fight.  That will stop massive movements from working peacefully, and one day they will demand changes.  Let us have in place a means this can be done peacefully, a democracy responding to the people, because it has no other choice.  Go to the protests in peace... or do not go at all.  We cannot drive away people.  An inclusive movement is the only one which promises peace, and I pray the government will understand this, and the intelligence agencies will not be threatened.  We all have our place.  Non violence now... 

I never get the poetry hitting like lightening anymore.    .  Now everything I write feels like it is being whispered at a funeral.

 

Staring Into The Sun

Stare into the sun

until you go temporarily blind.

Every movement some q-like bread crumb.

You lived between my life 

and minds telling you I was giving orders

On the authority of whom I wonder...

What Oracle said they knew of my intentions..

When I did not know them myself....

I wrote in a dream world.

As the real world went insane and no one informed me

directly.

I was somehow out of the loop on whatever the hell was happening.

One honest voice and advice on how to continue would have been a dream,

the media tried to give them to me and I grew more hostile

I would never have terrified you.

My life happened.

My dream visions of lightening and fire happened

Surprising you more than me.

I too thought I was to bring the end of the world

or wondered about his at times.

Nothing I would want anything to do with.

I love this planet.  Spent times in the woods.   Love people

more than any other animal

or I would not live in the city.

A  war fought to free this country from the grips of some,

 though the powerful few still use their low-down tactics to subjugate the many to their will.

  When food prices are raised to make money for the stock brokers

not because the actual price of food has gone up

because 6 monopolies control most of food is dangerous.

They bully all the people I love.  

what do you see

when you look

at my life

do you look for signs of weakness

do I amuse you

do you expect me to use a cat o nine tails to beat my brain bloody

do you expect me to calmly walk to a cross for you

do you expect me to only confront the easy problems in this world

do you expect me to become other than my ethics to win a teddy bear at the fair

do you expect that my sermons will inspire only the peaceful

do you expect me to leave the violent of heart without the love of God

Do you expect me to inspire anything other than peace

Do you expect me to inspire Justice

Do you expect me to inspire souls in bodies to take comfort

Do you expect me reflect my Father on earth

Do you expect me to judged unworthy before God

Do you expect that what your body believes is how you soul is judged

Do you expect that in heaven you will care about any of these questions

Do you expect more than questions from me in a time of Zealots

Do you expect the Golden Rule to manifest out of nothing

Do you expect to know what to expect from death and eternity

Do you expect to understand a God when you die or nothing

Do you expect that to matter in the work you have to do

I am in waiting now again

 

A guardian for a city who cares for the welfare of all

asks you to set aside your past and distaste for some of each others belief

to work together in a common cause.

I do not wish to criticize anymore

I think of the people I yelled at on television

the pain I caused others 

even the ones I thought I was fine with their being dead

at the time

seem wrong now

I can no longer imagine violence at all

A part of my mind and emotional reactions drop my stomach literally

before the violence

I had to stop working on the book because of this.

I consider this growth.

I do not want violence in my mind.

I cannot stand it...  not a want.

A need...

though still in me also I feel the fighter

reluctantly pacing, ready with weapons I see only as spinning winds

destroying everything outside of a large circle

a metaphor I need to keep the survival instincts going, I guess..

 

Democracy Is Love

  

I often feel like I have the worst timing in the world. I am sorry, to all.  I forget vulnerability, especially now.  I have seen shows use small signs to seem to signal something, and if I think about them afterwards -- my initial reaction is always to connect the message to an event.  I saw this twice, after our 22cnd anniversary, Marriage.  I am surprised people would think I could ever be against family.   I always wanted one, all my life.  Had one as a child, and always somehow thought I would have one of my own...  long after that became a romantic fantasy.  Or surprised by this showing up, and wondering if this was a question or affirmation -- a frequent problem with me that used to cause hell.

So many things I thought people took for granted about me with the writing, they thought was a covers for  a spy or lies or I cannot begin to fathom all the ways, though the few I know of... I mourn for you and all the mayhem.  Your thinking I was a racist, then the heavy duty campaign to try to get me to join in your xenophobia was not going to work on me.

For awhile I hoped my side was winning, thinking they must think like me if they are fighting with me.   I had no idea who was fighting.  I cheered them on with no clue what was happening, other than I wanted to fight the system.  I was being attacked.  

You brought race up to me and took a side.  I knew there was racism, systematic racism ever since crack laws put blacks in jail and whites who could afford the powder for walked in the halls of power.  Even before this.  I read so many books... and that is not real life, it prepared me, by loving all these black minds of  authors, as one does their favorite writers, to not be dragged down into racist thought.  I know so much better now.

I knew there were oppressors and the oppressed.  I always had a Class lense to my thinking, with me at the lowest end, I like so many who are not believed.  Racism I tried to fight, homophobia, all the lies I hated the most.  I was all in good fun those first few days... I think you laughed.  I was told so by the guy on the street who told me I was Jesus... I forgot that, asked him if he laughed, he told me We all did.  He was one of my few talking contacts in this, but he always rushed off.... or later, told me back my own vision of the universe and everyone being watched and suggested if I was unhappy to get off the stage.  I took this meant to kill myself or something.  I was not on a stage that I knew I could take myself off, nor was I.  Extreme mental distress at the time, constant state of shock.

 You made sides where I did not see them.  Well, there were sides and many who I just went they are alright, or fiercely defended throughout, in the worst of pasts.  I did not know who was who or what was what.   Now that I understand that no matter how I feel, you have decided, some of you to further divide and conquer the 99 percent and worse, others among you believe yourselves better than one or another for whatever reason that is not a reason at all, stereotyped in their minds into myths, they miss the often gorgeous truth, or the ugly truth.  Usually, the latter.  

they accused me once of having stockholm syndrome.  For having the same beliefs I had always had, since long before all of this started, and kept throughout, and have to this day.  The only sane conclusion.  All people are equal, and stereotyping anyone is wrong.  Anyone who does it to me gets me way wrong, as has happened again and again.

Whoever had been representing themselves as following me for years, in ways that were illegal, or involved almost any shit...  I thought I was fighting for something, but I did not know what.  Who.  Why.

  Who what why where or when.... the Journalists questions to build a story.  

Now to my awkward exchange...  I was surprised by my reaction, but raw and not nearly numb enough, ugh... once more the hell of publicity.  I wanted to be famous.  Everyone did.  I gave up on that a bit by the end, would have been happy teaching away my life.  Now it has caused me to be in a jail where I cannot be visited.  There is no talk of setting me free.  I cannot believe I once actually believed I was owed for my work for this government.  I look at that time and wish it had been hidden from the public.  Like most of my life, which is not written down for the public, processed thru my mind, edited a bit I should and then let go, when I am sure all the sharp edges are removed, so no one can cut themselves, or others, with my words. 

Now to talk about something that is not about me.... entirely.

The Cardinal's sermon, started with  a man who was found to have leprosy, and was thrown out of the community.  This was the first reading, and I sat there feeling myself the leper, forced to show my sores and shout I am unclean, and live forever outside the community.  In this journal like sermon on the page, I admit feeling just like that, and have for sometime.  I feel like that leper.  Later, Jesus heals a leper. Let's him rejoin the community.   I thought then, with the slight bit of stoned and the sound of the church, that I would be allowed to rejoin the community.  Of course this is not true, and sometimes the chains feel heavy.  I am sorry to pity myself when worse is happening all over the planet.  But it is not pity I feel for myself.  Not at all.  An injustice I once felt a screaming anger over I now generally try to take with resignation, which is my usual mode, especially when I am confused about what is happening.

Of late I am off kilter.  I am not quite sure what is causing the disquiet, or I cannot say.  Some of you know me well enough, I was thinking this morning, more than likely, from watching me all this time, to know that I have always, when even vaguely asked,  turned down or tried to get away from things that did not belong to me, gathered without my knowledge.  I heard things about a world that made no sense to me.  Watched like an idiot while I thought you were accusing me of lies.  Later, I would understand the implications of what was done all too well, and the sense of Rage within me, the need to stop this kind of fighting altogether, to protect children from the hell of combat...  and other excesses, true or not, I do not know...  I only knew that the person I considered behind this lived, seemingly to me, and she was the root of so much of this, used me to do whatever.  I was not continuing on with people thinking I was spy, when I felt my country needed me.  Or something.  God inspired me but certainly there were time bombs I knew nothing about.

I wish to be empty of inspiration, filled more with a stony vision of how to face the future, from a spiritual perspective, that may help to hold society together, when the planet turns against us.  The Shepherds who watch a storm coming in, lightening and thunder and a huge line of black clouds, and do nothing, are worthless to the future of the churches, and selfish and cowardly.  This is a time to be self-less as possible.  I can write this in theory, though I know how difficult and unattainable even, any rule can be.  No absolutes.  Those are for God.  I am not your judge, though I may comment on your behavior.

A cabal around me trying to use me as the fall guy, and others, as well.  The above the law type.  That is not working, I hope.  I am not ratting anyone out by saying this, I am doing my duty to my country, the same as General Smedley Butler.  Not that I compare us.  I was brainwashed in a hospital, he was on the battlefield, as he would tell you the last ten years of his life, of course.  War Is A Racket.  Should be required reading for anyone thinking about joining the armed forces to fight the bad guys...  though of course they exist now.  Most created from previous wars.

I still feel in the middle of a circle, surrounded by groups, trying not to take a side...  there is behavior I despise, but I am a Christian, and this means one day this person may regret this, repent, be forgiven.  This is God.  Not me.  I am not God.   I cannot do whatever I want at all, of course.  I was also thinking yesterday about how I hated having been made into so many false icons...  I did not want to be made into a false icon for some reason...  but of course I was.  I do not think you took it like this.  

I have now done what I criticize others for doing.  I do not quite understand having an 'enemy' such as in another country, besides my own, which I have always thought there was little I could do about, so I stayed academic and away from politics.  I do not mean the US is my enemy, I just knew their policies since Reagan and had watched the dream of the children of the 60's used by intelligence agencies to change people into perfect little capitalists. That Reagan tax cut enriched the rich.  The rest of us have been getting poorer ever since.  This was the true coup.

Now I have always tried to protect a dream I have of my country.  I am confused by why....  mostly it was not knowing who was behind me, what they were going to do after this, etc.  I was not in control of these matters.  At this point the shit that was going on was baffling to me and terrifying.  I just tried to return things to normal because I was losing my shit.  Yelling in my apartment.  God, I am so humiliated.  These memories make me think that I am hated out there, yet I still hear of people believing.  I believe myself, deeply, that I have tried to the will of God -- at times it was like having a manic episode.  Exactly such.  Driven there environmentally, and probably a fairly normal reaction to such mental trauma.  To finding out too much at once.  To go from being loved to hated on vague terms I never understood.

I understand why the left will feel anger toward me.  Do you understand why I felt anger toward you...  is more the question to me.  I answered this for you.  I do not wish that to stop the forward motion you have gained in ways that do not involve spies now.  A spy game is not something I ever played.  I would not know how.   The little I know makes me wonder why you hate me, and I know this must be the class war playing out.  I admit to wishing to see funds more evenly dispersed,  and had no clue how to do this within the bounds of traditional politics.  I tried to use other ways to raise funds for charity, without naming them, another mistake.  Doctors Without Boarders, Oxfam, UNWA, there are plenty that need your help right now.  I feel like a 61 year old man should already know all these things, to be clear.  I was not.  I have no clue what happened.

The one thing I know is that I must never stop writing.  There are not enough words of peace to cover the dead bodies around me, though I will try to write them... and hope a few make sense to someone who otherwise would choose a violent path.  I wish you peace.  I believe the only way to achieve peace is to humanize one another.  No one is superior or inferior.  They like to think so, the superior feeling, and they also like to be sure the inferior know their place, as well.  I have always despised all of this.

I meant to come in here and write a journal entry....  about the time I am going through of sorts.   Perhaps I would just be repeating myself....  but I am sorry for the moments when this becomes too much for me.  I wish people only witnessed me primed and in public, but that is not the appeal of the weirdo in Chicago...  

I get a message across the fourth wall, by writing love on Democracy Now's site, and Amy did a heart, nothing she normally does, at the beginning of the show.  Then they bring up a show a guest was on, and   I am still reacting badly to nbc.  I am calling them out because they got in my face about this, thank God, so I could figure out what the hell... then other things clicked into place.

  I don't know how to pretend this is not happening.  I am not going along with all the rules you have about keeping this 'our little secret' unless I see that it has changed.  Yet,  I have to try to forgive them.  Though our past makes this difficult for me.  I could see the news did not want me watching.  I do not know about the rest of the network, but I assume so.  Obviously the news here in town has not forgiven me for showing my humanity.   I am also obviously hated so...  I do not wish to fight over such matters, and thank God, I have been told, such matters have been taken out of my hands.  I don't wish to be a blind man, who trusts no one, being asked what to do, who to attack, who to like, who to trust...

You have made me a victim in a hideous game.  I will no longer play the role of anyone other than myself.  I also had the thought yesterday that I am right to show vulnerability, and moments of distrusting everyone, and the pain of war....  on the news today trump was going into court and as he went inside a pink van went by with the words 444 Pain.  I think this is a sign.  Planted like so much was before.  I don't know and some part of me breaks down over the confusion, and then pulses with fear at the thought of being out of this jail, faced with my actions truly in the public eye.  Some would hate me, think I am on some side or another.  I am on the side of justice, and finding common ground.   I am not the one who has to do this though, it is the people of the world.

So please Democracy Now, know you have given me great intellectual comfort, especially amidst in the vanilla pudding of most of the news on television.  Thank you.   If I could open my heart without this horrifying feeling of 'No, Get Away From Me, you will only stab in another knife,'   I would.  Perhaps you know I could, or perhaps you have your days when you would kill me, others when you would not.  I am being pessimistic, I doubt this is you at all.  I have never even examined this before in any way.  My feelings on your show are clear.

The desire to be around actual people, instead of seeing them on tv, reading from a script, is strong in me.  I enjoy community and miss this greatly.  Once I at least had  my childhood town, then later i life... AA meetings.  Always, anywhere.  Made me feel better, always.  Now I have the tv and net.

  I will continue always to serve humans.  This is my way of serving God.  May I always serve in Peace, from this day forward.

More mythic tales of mythic times living myths

 

 I try not to admit many things to myself. What it is to be free, comes into mind, as a huge question mark.... .

Am I a useful tool in an awful, feudal affair of the tories -- question mark.  

Am I a developing creature, coming in the time avowed by a God unfathomable in his actions, though still, abundant at time with care  --  question mark.. 

 My question mark does not work on this computer... or I would sound much more ambiguous.

  The implication of the question mark should hang over my work, because I am not an expert looking out from the mountain top.  I have not climbed high enough to even glimpse them.  I know vague words that mean something to others, though often little to me at the time.  I do not wish to cause any conflicts with anyone.  I do not wish to burn any bridges, though that is your choice, of course.  I will befriend those who I once called enemy, or I will at least live in peace with them... though that is a piss poor substitute for all getting along, learning from each other, sharing our love freely with all people.  Seeing if that love can be stronger than their hate.  I believe Love always defeats hate in the end.  In the arch of history, people try to come down on what they think is the right side.  But only Love in great numbers.

I worry about the messages I see of late.  I do not want to make some faux paux as I have in the past, that makes me hated by people for reasons that do not exist.  I also change my opinion when presented with better facts, or just knowledge about something I have not been exposed to.  I may not be able to get out and be around a lot of different cultures, but in my youth I sought this out.  This I ranted about before, I see myself, and it is humiliating, screaming at you, or even opening my heart during my spiritual journal.  Embarrassed by so much of what you have seen of me.  The idea that I should respond all the time to this audience before me, constantly be on for them.  I have been filled with the lightening of God... generated from deep inside of me...  and He chose to spite.  I had no plans, no idea why if you supposedly liked me you keep me in this situation..  how you could expect me to help you when...  this means nothing to me now.  An anger but I do not know what is going on out there, why you keep me from people.

I have been under what I can be vaguely called surveillance since this started, practically.  I hate people were forced to watch this crap. I kept telling you, This is my life, this is not a show.....  did she work behind my back, yes, I am sure of this.  To this day my questions in my mind about her stop me from being able to open my heart much.  I know I am to forgive everyone.  This does not mean I wish my personal life to be a charade...  or finding out small hints were true.  I am not sure who she worked with.  Someone.  She knew some things.

     I puzzle over this and look like an idiot, but these matters must be clear.  You stole my name over and over and used it in ways that were inconceivable and I need to set the record straight.  This does not mean I wish to be anything more than vague.  Yes, those who know know.  And I will write for them.  I will take the shit of saying what needs to be said, not what can be said in a Politically nuanced manner that does not alienate voters.  I can say what I wish about Palestine.  I would never wish this violence from either side.  War is a crime.  Criminals do not follow laws.  We see this  in Israel, because of the brave Aljazeera reporters, and other witnesses of this hell, who die to bring us a genocide they think the world will stop if they get the word out....  

I know I sound like a hypocrite as my bloody hands peck at the keys..    Still, I do not know how your world works, or my place in it entirely... or at all.  I am trying to make it one of peace,  though I am not pretending there is no threat, or that other organizations may have to do whatever...  but all of you are free as you well know to do as you will.  I will always step up, but it is a step back should that happen,  One we will recover from.  There should be no civil war or race war or any of that crap is this country.  I just cannot believe people are so filled with fox's racist phobic fears of each other, that they make monsters out of teens knocking on the wrong door... and gets shot thru the door without a word. A six year old stabbed 24 times by their landlord after the kill,kill,kill of Fox changed him, his wife said.

I just wrote quite a bit that was lost when the cat walked across the keys.

I was trying to approach gratitude, for all you have done, to the living and the dead.  My mourning for the living and the dead is endless, though I may believe they are free souls now... this does not enter into my thinking on this matter.  I see only this world.  I live here now for a reason.  What will come will come, and I can hardly believe it is judgement, though I certainly believe in judging the flesh, for actions.  

I have tried to do the right thing and I keep running up against someone who tries to jail me, isolate me...  I accept the hostage status.   I must always remember what might have happened once had I left my life here in this city.  A repeat of a horror that I would never want.  I would never order.  If I had been asked about my intentions, you would have heard... I lied to you as you lied to me.  I no longer will respond with lies.  I left my little land mines in this world...  unexploded.  I worry about them as well.

  Is a writer responsible if their writing kills people, I was asked once.  I believe if their intention is to cause violence then yes, this is criminal.  I was trying to fight a revolution where I did not trust anyone was on my side, or if they were, why... I was a soldier and you did not notice, because the power of words was underestimated again.  My words killed more than they tell me.  There was I guess only one war I ordered.  I did so because I see my Democracy falling apart.  I do not know if I can fix it, but I knew that aiding a perceived enemy, had to end, or change...  I pray they changed.  I would hate to be your enemy.

I am concerned about all but this last blow was life changing.  I wish to throw my guns away...  but as long as there is a fight, that is desertion. 

An actor playing Camus, said,  'We write the same thing over and over.. '   Certainly this is sadly becoming me, writing the same old same old.   Once, long ago, when I lived in a dream,  I felt I would develop a voice as a writer, the person shown in my poetry best. My ethics often screamed instead of logically explained.  Told in metaphors of war that made my every word seem like the beat of a war drum,  a warning to others who would TRY to stop them.  I successfully did this twice without meaning to.

I think I have been called a Rat for revealing what I have of what happened to me.  I kept much back and will.  That is a fucking gift.  What I talk about needs brought into the light, where the darkness disappears.  A past that cannot be forgotten.  I am not trying to tell anyone anything new, I am telling the same old story, the truth as I know it at the time.  My how that has changed over the last twenty years.  The same mind behind these words, but the thought processes have been changed tremendously due to actions seemingly out of my control.    Back when I still thought this was all a play on words....  One day it was brought up to kill everyone with a certain color eye, and a saint pointed out that she had that color eye and was all angry...  and I realized they were serious.   

Later I would see commercials seeming to show that blacks were in danger in a near by state.   Others on the tv came right out and spoke in code of people being killed, during the self help period, and the painting, when I lived on Estes.  I had no idea why that was happening to them, did not think my anger had anything to do with this.  I was told only by those criticizing me, and I considered this slander at the time, or you telling me horrible things I did not understand, though I had a strong inclination, then found out this to be true.  I think of all these scenes in my mind when I heard a reference to me, to always kind of go fuck you, I will live as I live....   and the depression, isolation, brain washing, etc...  I read Waking Up Jesus and think how different this book will be now, written as the shapeless being I know myself to be, not exalted in any way, just content and loved on high.... this is the memory that comes to me and gives me peace whenever I allow myself to give into taking care of myself, instead of obsessing on the world, or my place in it.

I do not think I am a rat, because in your case, this merely means some one who told the truth.  I was never a party to your crimes, and the worst of what was done was not what I wanted.  I forgive.  This is in my nature.  Not something I will work on.  Those I feel hate for in the moment I will forgive one day, though until those injustices are stopped... my righteous indignation takes over...  but I will keep my fuming to myself...  fight the fire with water..  And I keep secrets as many know though you shock the hell out of me at times.  I do not know what free is but I sure would like to experience it once...  to know what it is.  I want to spend one day being able to ask questions.  I want to be convinced I need to work on souls not politics.

To some of you, whom I have never abandoned, though you seem to think I will too often for me to wish to remember.  My nature is that of a protector.  At the heart of most cops is such a being, though often this is twisted by racism, into protecting whites from blacks. Ot blaming all blacks because the ones they sometimes run into pull guns.  Or more have guns, due to the neighborhoods they live in, most more out of fear than need, and more apt to be used in suicide, or child hood horrors...  like a three year pulling the gun out  from under the seat while his mom shops, she returns and he he points the gun at her and shoots her in the face. 

 Why give kids toy guns....  my mom tried to avoid all of that with us.   I still played war a lot as a kid, but no bb guns, which everyone had, etc.  The one gun we had, Nicks fathers 22 was something I never ever thought of.  Later the bullies, who hated him, though loved his older brother. chased him into the house, Nick got scared and got the gun, and pointed at them.  The fuckwads called the cops, they took the gun.

No hassle, the cops hated the Woodcocks, who were behind this.  They all treated me great all the time, except their mean dog, Tip.  Supposed to protect the house, and probably abused, he hated anyone not in the family.  The Father was gone because he abused the youngest child at two or three.  Terrible thing.  He was an intelligent man, though a weirdo obviously.  I knew them only after him, when the Mother, who I liked, was a drunk, and abusive toward the oldest boy, in particular.   Sad scene.  They slept on huge piles of clothes, without beds, burrowed down in them, because they had no blankets.  Shitty childhoods.  Good friends out in the streets, etc.

I could certainly write a southern gothic about my neighborhood.

 Nick....  Paul let kids into the house once to beat him up.  You were supposed to be safe if you got in your house.   Your parents or someone would stop it, but no...  the woodcocks.  It was terrible.  To think just when he was phasing out of that, an animal torturer as well, and he was becoming kinder, getting along with Dad and even me,  at sixteen, he died.  I had made a joke the week before, Hey, lets get in an accident, that will be fun.  Paul was amused and asked my dad if he heard what I was saying.  I was standing up in our VW van, holding onto the two front bucket seats, looking at the road through the windshield at the long country road, fields on all sides, just a bit of green around the irrigation canals that lined a lot of roads, making for ditches on both sides.  I remember everything too well, the look of amusement on Pauls face.  It is the only good memory I have of him.  I remember pre drop...  not that day, but his hanging me over before.  I do not know if one day I refused to move,  may have added that in for dramatic effect, but that is my memory of it..  I wrote at the beginning of all this that the Eagle spirit flew out from me and killed him, that I became a murderer at this age.  Man, the drugs they had me on, the flight of the poetry...  

I believed such a thing possible of a Christ.   If there was a God, who that was surprise enough to me, so if that was true, then I was puzzled by what was true with this Christ I felt inside me so strongly at times.... though the irrational things I said at times,  there would be no excuse for that now.  I did not understand the depth of religion.  I did not give it much thought.  My mother, when this started, tells me to read the bible when I tell her I am turning into Christ, so in on it from the beginning.   Like I would take my script from another time, when I had been writing this time all along....  and would not change to play their role.  I tried to destroy the idea of Jesus as judgemental.  I tried to tell you this was about peace and love.   How it went from that to this is beyond me, though how to continue with peace and love, I know how to do that, and the other.

Without experiencing the deaths in this, hearing of the chaos released, slaves kept in the names of this, rights taken away in the name of this.... and so wrong, putting machine guns back on the street, in a time I distrusted the government because of what was happening to me, and happened to me.  Why I was this target, etc.  I get it now.  The people who fought against me, or were involved in the cult, I forgive and believe history requires peace..  You classified this long ago.  I am saying Go In Peace...  I was used in a different way.  I would never have asked of you what you did.  No one has that right.  A system was in place of which I was a cog.  When I realized as much, I struck out.  I tried to stop the excesses.  I understand better now why my presence drove so many to madness, or temporary madness, now that the depth of religion is clearer to me.  The following people do is new to me as well.  I was always one who was seeking things, but I followed my own unique vision, the right of the artist I told myself.

I can only repeat the wisest humans I have had contact with.  Put their language into modern times, or understanding level if they are ancient or talk about them if I knew them.   I am very tired of thinking I know anyone from the media.  I am sure you know too much about me from watching me like you, which again is a total weirdness to me.  I understand in some ways God arranged this, because a wicked person could do a lot of damage.

Those who would call me a rat should know that I make no bones about protecting democracy, and that I support the USA, and their friendship with other countries.  I am not going to like everything governments do, and I am surprised when they get anything right.  They have helped me in my time of need with ssi while also crippling me by keeping the amount so low I cannot live on the check except in poverty.  

I do not wish to have any enemies.  I hope that cleansing the left of negative foreign interests, while still maintaining love and peace and respect among all parties is the way I wish this all operated.  It seems to be moving that way again in the bit of press that I got.  I do not get excited over things really anymore in good ways but this certainly made my mind more peaceful.  I thank God that two of the big three can meet as humans...

We must never dehumanize one another again.  My respect and humbling before the knowledge of the Chinese culture's wisdom, and struggle to have a society of equals...  they have been through too much violence, as we all have.  The time has come to know, all issues will one day turn into one, survival while the climate changes.  On this common ground, let an oasis grow in this desert of hate.

Hope for Doomers.

    

I found that Twitter was sending Doomers my way, after I liked an artist commenting on the environment everyday with new AI art.  Doom and gloom to no end, and the constant questioning of why this is allowed.... Oh, yes,  the algorithms'  had found me out, and determined I am a Doomer.  I was corresponding with a professor of ecology, who just wrote a book, but has spent most of his time in the field.  He knows it is over, but does not quite want to come out and say so with the level of madness one might except, but he is a scholar.    His comments jarringly awakening on what is about to happen.  He like so many get this label, as I did, over beliefs I have had for many years.  I have had other fires burning all around me I had to put out, but now I have to focus on the coming fire, and how to fight this one with holy water... atheist water... any water.  

Ten years ago I wrote about living for the future, and how this we must do.  I did not know how yet, other than the environment.  But I was tied to the war I was waging, idiotically and in manners that are nightmares to remember, making my past a slaughter house I never want to enter my mind, let alone sit around reminiscing at the vfw over beers.  Not considered a real soldier by some.  Is that still happening to this day.

I saw the general on one of their commercials get hit by a meteorite, seemingly.  I am not sure if this was some kind of signal to me.  I have never quite gotten much to do with him, other than he seemed to be on my side.  Or whomever was claiming they were on my side.  I cannot blame the company or the actor in the commercials or any of these matters for something larger going on.  Bit players are not the ones to blame.  I wish them all well.   You may know many things about them I do not.   My first impulse is always to say hey, these are my tv friends, they are good guys.  I do not know if this is true of course...

One day I hope there  are people around me who I can discuss what happened during the times which are blanks to me, give me the hard truths.  For this I would give a vow of silence on those matters, and just concentrate on Orange, getting a refuge together, starting that movement worldwide... etc.  But nothing political.  I wish to put together organizations whose actions will reverberate into the chaotic future more than any long gone politicians.  The faith to face days numbered by the actions of others, without hating God, or going mad.  A place of comfort and mourning must be supplied, though first full stomachs and a place in out of the cold is helpful.  The message is in the actions, not who believes in what.  Empty your mind and find God,  a connection to something larger;   feel a oneness with all.  Feel how right action is the way of this God... or the light... or just your ethics class, does not matter.

I have been forced to be reactive in almost every action I have taken in forever...  ever since I realized, in the first weeks of this, that you did not really believe I was Christ, or when I spoke of peace it would have been obvious to you.  Now I wish to be reactive, peacefully, as I have in all but two actions when I was not under the influence of brainwashing and the cesspool of lies fed me in Chicago.

  When I liked everyone, you acted like you were at war with me, so I said to attack you.  I was in a literary dream where things you write do not come true, and a world where I felt like Jesus was pouring through me.  I do not remember much of what I said, I do not go over these times seeking to find some religious wisdom.  I remember the feeling of complete and utter belief, going into trances as I wrote the poetry, the words surprising me in the end.  I do not get this feeling anymore.

   I had not had it in years until this latest bout of being needed.  I was surprised by my reaction to being a star.... yes, I had heard this before, but no one acted like it, so...  I figured it had nothing to do with me, on some level.  I was being used, probably by criminals, whored out on the net.  I could be wrong.  I have to live however I have to live.   Accept what you cannot change, change what you can.  This is a rather gray area for me, since I am never sure what I can change because God surprises me more than you.  This latest layering of battles during which  I pray a certain balance was restored, tactics restored, Democracies representatives, the Eagles, safe from all the people around me dragging presidents out, demeaning the entire dog and pony show. and the USA could finally understand I am not a traitor.  The USA needed me in full dress uniform for that one... and will again.

I am not sure how I am looked at by you, so I am going to make assumptions, though if I step on anyone's toes, my apologies now, there is no intent here to offend anyone.  I wrote ten years ago or so when there were a lot of people following me who wanted a war, but I felt we were too different politically... and they seemed to want a theology.  I am not sure.  That is entirely pathetic.  I am sorry for your pain.  I was once led to take them down a certain path by people who are ruthlessly raping man and nature alike, with impunity, and above the laws of most men.  I have hunted such warriors with the help of those who God blesses on the battlefield with great success.  I am again humbled by the warriors...  you and I did not know what was happening.  The people who started this did not expect I might just not go along.  That fame and this cult and being seen as Jesus was not the kind of person they had.

I was too embarrassed to admit this to people, let alone speak on the streets.  I preached to the tv and reached a lot of people, from what I can gather.  I wonder how you do this now, do all people still get to watch me, or have you cut this down... have I offended the world again, by defending the Palestinians, which says more about the offended then me, so I write them off.  I have warned people not to think all Israeli's or Zionists want this slaughter.  Especially Zionists who easy breezy said this once, though perhaps now that this learning experience has happened, the Rabbi's I saw speaking about being about love, and not Zionism, speaking of Judaism.  I know all these old bibles have the old salt Jesus said they should throw out, specifically the most violent ones.  I get the feeling this was his message, that new words were needed for every time.  Ethics are in our genes, and do not change with the times, good people have always existed, same as the brutal.  But the questions change with the times.

Everyone cherry picks the Bible.  I readily say some messages were left there for me by God, others for others, sometimes people long dead.  I do despise people trying to mix their religion with politics, like abortion, which is a health issue, and I am pro-choice.  I am pro-women, welcome their rise. Anyone harmed by stereotypes, especially destructive myths, has my sympathy.  Studying linguistic a bit, and the philosophy of language, taught me how similar we all are, and how our tiny bit of individuality has to be protected, or it will just... go away.

  I read recently that some people do not have an internal narrative in their mind.   To people who do not have one of these, they cannot imagine being like I am, with voices speaking to me all the time, usually calling me an idiot or reminding me of something, or just contemplating, often mourning...  I used to talk to myself all the time in the cab.  I talked to God when religious, my vague entity who I tried to live up to as much as possible...  mostly just not drink.  I never would have thought of using a religion, as some did, I was absolutely into the Tao....  a Force in the universe that thought nothing of us made sense to me. 

Now, I believe in a God who is very interested in our affairs at this moment.  Enough that, in my Jesus mode, I would say I have returned, as I said.  All kinds of things were projected to happen during this by hysterically religious people, driven even more mad by a seemingly real angel, or the Christ....  Unless this is how you thought this would turn out, and it served some purpose, you really should have told me from the start so many things.   You expected me to play your games and I refused to.  Mostly.  I was offended that you thought my life was a show.  No, my life was stolen and made into a show, by my slave masters. 

I do hope you who chain me, know what you are doing..   They tend to break when I pull them in, to smash the columns down, bringing the castle down on the heads of my captors.  Blind man's revenge.  A metaphor.  I do not even know if it applies...   

Sorry to be so narcissistic.  Here I am covered in blood that will not wash off, my skin stained copper after  years of fresh blood covering the dry.  I wonder sometimes if what I am  understand is horrific enough, and I am better off not knowing, or a personal level....  however, on a level of how useful I will be, then the more I know the better.

Unless I am just out of the game which I doubt though should the day come I will certainly accept that with dignity and grace, should the right people, and they seem to be.  I am an ignorant man, however.  I do not get out and learn what is really going on, rely like the masses on what is told me by the main stream media, predominantly.  

I had my part in the do not trust the government mentality growing here, and the get a gun.  I believed these things very strongly at the time, and in a way still do.  Politics has become too important to ignore.  My friends are being harmed, bullied, by rich assholes and that is exactly the kind of thing to set me off.  I am ready if you wish to, as Abby said, 'Democratize Democracy Now,' after I wrote of my plan to democratize the voting process.  I am not an expert on the matter, just all my life knew this would cut through all the bullshit and give us a good idea of what the world wants.  This is still a Republic, has a few laws back, to stop a populist, supposedly, from grabbing control of the country... an Electoral Vote that does not have to follow what the voters asked for, even though no one ever does this.  They might with Trump.  Republicans who fear saying anything, when brought down to the wire, can stop this monster from destroying the USA.

The more I know, the more I can do.  Is it nothing to you that I can control weather to some degree, or do you take this as another coincidence in that infinite pile of happenings.... did you stage it, or others are better at it, or it is a worthless trait.... I cannot tell.  I suppose I should not care....  like so many things, I will learn the truth in God's time, not yours or mine.

You are dealing with a force I am convinced you do not understand at all.  I am also trying to make clear to you that I do not wish to fight anyone, but I never have... had to... never wanted to... orders.  From a God slow to anger...  erupting.  Leaving me grieving for Bob, and his son who he took care of.  Thinking, he did not deserve this... or he did.  I felt I had to make a point and gave him hardly any thought until the killer left me....then I saw the cruelty of continuing this... I was freeing the left from the tactics, and the foreign interests that have been able to act with impunity because of me.  Again, ride the Unicorn, be kind or... The times so long passed now though they are here today with me, as I try to process decades during which I was too ignorant to write more than crap, or literature.  I know there are some words that I like, and mean something, but....

I keep seeing my character in your tv dramas as having a black, woman boss.  I have no clue who this is and have no such boss that I know of.  I am not listening to anyone, this should be clear by now, to anyone except those who I believe have the truth, that I wish to add to my cosmology, the mental ecology of this mostly alone writer.  Or if I do...

Well, regardless, I do not know what to say about such matters.  Not worth trouble to me.  I said that a lot in my life.  And I got enough things that are worth the trouble in the arena right now, circling me, starving beasts of all kinds, released on a desperate human with a knife.

Justice Denies

 Hope in the end times...  The Cardinal sadly commented on the world ending in the last sermon I  had the immense pleasure of seeing, though not a time of celebration.  A time of facing a hard truth.  Freeing from old prejudices is a serious matter in the church, being as inclusive as possible, and I speak to Catholic who have lost in droves, due to many problems, splintering their culture.  There is no Cultural Catholic movement that comes close to Secular Jews, and how they connect on this level. 

I guess there is, but..  I do not mean to stereotype, and what I say is meant for all churches, as well as all who were harmed by the times when I was kept caged, blind folded, and was tortured for information.  One metaphor that applies from my side of the screen.  I realize there are two worlds, one here and one there and occasionally they meet.  I impulsively tossed that kid my shirt.  He had showed up at the last minute to ride on the elevator with me and I knew he would like the shirt, threw it to him and said he would like it.  He did not even say thank you, what is it...   I get home and see a commercial about how would you feel if your hero took off the shirt he was wearing and gave it to you.  I was surprised by it all.  Thinking back of course it all looks like an elaborate set.  Some days it is,others not... I think.  I do not know.

The last few years have passed in a massive blur.  I want a time line though to get one I need to write it down, and my need to do this .... is perhaps surpassed by what I wish never to write or speak of again.  Hatchets buried and not wanting to make trouble for anyone, though unwilling yet to say that I will not help the oppressed, and truly try to help the people of my country, who have been robbed by an Oligarchy,irir or whatever you wish to call them.  I do not blame all rich people.  I do blame those who are willing to use the racist, classist, Hitler loving, kkk loving Trump for their own money making purposes, and to destroy the environment quicker than we will have any time to prepare a refuge for those in the future.

I told the truth about my ignorance, and lost power, though I have regained my ability to speak the truth.  No more crying wolf, and no more lying to make people feel better.  A hard truth is the climate change dilemma and the churches.  Some will go crazy over things like this, and the more united the clergy are on their front, the better.  Let the sane recognize the sane among the various shepherds of the various flocks and work together to prepare, what the government has no Political Will to even attempt.

This is our call from God, to keep the people sane, and give them the only Hope that really matters in life anyways, for eternal life.  I am one who believes that I know little about what happens when people die, though I have experienced God, and saw and done what some call miracles in my life.  They fade in my memory into the general mire, the bloody swamp I try to avoid.   I think of the future. And what we can do and what we will be forced to do by the events.  

I am only now coming to you, inspired for some reason to write these words calling for peace among us all.  We must start to show by example.  All religions have my respect, though some of their actions, I may disagree with.  I do find sects within some repulsive in their lack of individual thinking, and their hive mind backing of an immoral man.  I used to look at my tiny list of sins, and still do, with horror... but the things this guy has done, are beyond what I would ever have thought of, in my entire life.  A horror who is a threat to humanity itself.  Like other neocons, particularly those who are farming the lungs of the world, the rain forests.

 I have been writing a lot on the climate, forgetting that my grief leads many others there as well.  As a shepherd, as I seem to be at tines, I want to give you hope.  And there is every reason to hope,  about small things.  Help keep a forest alive.  Do what you can to stop the oil and gas companies, consider radical changes in your life style that will be required if was are to live together as a civil society.  We will need to rely on the peace makers during this time, more than ever before.  The clergy are now given a seemingly impossible task, by a God that makes the impossible possible everyday....    and at other times leaves us to die.

I believe in the soul.  I could not justify a life of religious contemplation when so many are dying.  I wish to be as close to the front lines as I can get.  I am an old man now, a writer still.  And any power thrust on me I will look for someone who needs it and give it away if I can.   I am not sure always the best way to do this, or if I am even wanted in the room.  Hated man.  ya

So many waited so long to revolt.  I feel horrible for them.  Again, left ignorant, only when the shit hit the fan did you tell me the truth.  ONLY AFTER there was nothing I could do.  Like this thing with the police, I wish they would stop thinking I am dissing them in ways that apply beyond the behavior on display in a particular event.  Keeping order without becoming fascists in the years to come will be the real trick, but with the proper foundation, the future might have a better chance, and they deserve one.  No one left behind applies to the generations to come.  To babies being born today.  We have to see all of humanity as one organism, being attacked by a disease, and together we work scientifically, to defeat what we can of the symptoms.  Not a war metaphor, and illness metaphor.  The earth is sick and needs help.  Not we must fight this person, etc...  we fight for every species left living a little longer... when we can.  We will lose too many times to win the war.

We can live in Peace for now, safe in the comfort of God, some of us.  To meet your creator is a fabulous experience.  I have memories of being beside him, a being at the end of all of this....  you look one way and see the glimmer of the planets, and the other is God, shapeless darkness..  I am a being who can push up against him, and when I do I feel great love.  I go back and forth from the planets to his side.  Of late I feel a bit of peace every time I imagine myself.  And looking out at the glitter of the worlds makes my stomach literally hurt a bit... my mind recoil, until I empty myself and am just the zen of being ner what could be whatever, my metaphor in my mind for escape.  For Death, who knows...  nothing that I would take literally at all.

I worry occasionally when I think of times my words have tried to be clarified by you.  This time has passed.  I am now seemingly in the bounds of others.  Since I have been too shocked by what when the nbc weather guy came up to the camera and flashed the white supremacy sign, and I ranted and raved.  Idiot I am, I tuned in the next day and one newscaster, the black one, looked at the others around her like what the hell... and they put up an ad for this sportscaster... and it clicked.  They are all white racists here in town, and I watched this station, and saturday night live, and all the time, these people were involved, and it is another reason, people thought I was a racist.  I remember lines I will not repeat from shows I do not wish to bother naming, because I cannot believe this is universal.  Some part of me wants to believe that this is not true.  But...  I once boycotted another station.  Because I thought they were doing evil.  I mean, I learned about Fox pretty quick.  Another group of shows I backed not knowing what their true aims were.

I forgive all these people and figure some are just going along or else, others did not notice or did and went along, not knowing the extent, or maybe they do.  I want to give them all the benefit of the doubt, and frankly from what I know they and many others have been through too much already.  I want peace and this involves forgiveness.... to me.  Not everyone needs to forgive to seek peace.  But War should be considered a crime.  Every time.  No one should be allowed to fight them.  Talk about words that a teenager would write....  no there should not, but there are, and I want nothing to do with them. 

I wish to use the physics of a larger forces, the masses, stopping a smaller forces, the incredibly wealthy, peacefully, to get money to work on this country for now and lay the basis for some kind of future.

However, the soul, and the promise of God, is something I must seek some solace in and wish to write about this.  What dreams we may dream said the movie title....   I know many of the standard techniques of meditation and what not though I could not write one as good as an expert.  I wish I had access to such people.  I guess I inspire at times, or is that part of the illusion played on the walls of this holographic-ish world I live within.  Where I am denied.  Fame with none of the benefits.  Is this your punishment to me, your He Will make no money off his crimes.   I did not do any crimes.  This you forget.  I sat in my damned living room and threw out dreams.

I met no human beings doing anything.  I saw actors doing and saying and wearing certain that was geared toward communicating with me,  most in code.  And you must never break cover, go naked as they called it once when I really flipped out.  I learned a lot from that this is for sure.  I knew nothing about black children being harmed in some Charity scheme.  What the fuck.. .  I  ignored it, I suppose, because at the time I was half crazy, violent, and ignorant.  I was used to writing and my work being taken as fiction, like I was anybody else.   Like the bread and sport analogy from the Roman times turned into hating sports.  It was too ridiculous for me to think you would take that literally, especially when I was listening to music, and watching tv, both which I also listed.  I am so sorry I was not briefed on what was happening.

Pissed off, I will fight.  I will show no dignity around those who are fucking with me, was part of my fighting on....  when I was asked to turn on more lights in the back of the room, like my life was one of your fucking shows and I wanted to be on one of your networks...  when I felt at the time tortured by your watching me.  When you accused me of wanting all of this, fame in this manner, at the cost of lives... to lead some cult that I never saw.  I knew many believed some days, others I could not believe...  I would tell you things in the Jesus mode, like bring people up to see me if you wish, and etc...  I felt like some knew I had returned, this Christ, but for some reason this was a bad thing.  I had a hell of a time figuring any of that out.

Now, I have seen fanatic religious beliefs manipulated to an extreme I could not believe was happening.  This disbelief that anyone would be following me...  when you mimicked me on tv, I usually did not know what to say.  I learned.  Sometimes it hurt.  Lately, I do not think this matter is worthy of joking about.  Like the SNL burn about me, there was no attempt to add humor, just saying where I went to church... what kind of joke is that.  How is that  a burn... showing me in a bathroom, something I did not do... but funny, I get it... then I realized from seeing me in that green robe that you were all watching me.  That took the funny right out of this situation.  I knew there were spies and local news people involved, etc...  to think you were all watching me was not fun.  This was before I knew that I had the ability to get people harmed.  I quickly tried to explain that I did not mean this personally toward these people, it was just then that I realized this horrifying fact.

I guess I should have known... you may think.  But living the miserable, going to the pantry to get food life, in a an apartment than filled with bed bugs, was not my idea of where a God of any sort lived.  I considered my treatment into the faction and could not see how I had any great power.  Then all hell broke loose soon after, thank God, in a way...  a lot of people were freed from a destructive dream.  I would have freed everyone if I knew how.  I would never have criticized anyone from the start if I thought I could have an influence on people in the armed forces.  Beyond my pay grade was my answer.  And especially now, when my only knowledge of the affair comes from a Dr Who episode back when I was called a pirate, over a misnomer I wrote about pirating stuff on  the web, not stealing to build up a war chest.

I hope to hell you do not feel I am ratting anyone out by writing what I do.  This is not my intent.  I have no delusions about whistle blowers, and my objective is peace.  Doing anything to disrupt the peace on my part is an accident, so please ask me first....  and know I will say no.  This is the time of establishing justice, law and order...  in that order now.  

Take care world, and know what the future brings is always a mystery, but we can prepare for catastrophes we know are coming, we must.  I am sure there are all kinds of panels on this.  I pray to God they get something done.... or I am set free to over see something though for some reason that terrifies me now.  To be free in your world.  All the world will be your enemy....  is how I feel at times, though the people on tv do not act this way.  You are back to I think being cruel to me.  I am not sure.  I cannot care now that I am sure that I can use the weather how I wish.  I feel like it will go insane if I feel endangered.  I never do, thank God.

I do however feel vulnerable.  I hate giving such words to friend and foe, but my mission is to face reality.  God himself has given me a platform, as many have said before me...  everything I say seems like it is said by madmen over the ages.  Like the End is Nigh.... well, we have a number of years yet.  And enjoying life is important.  Do not raise a generation on complete doom and gloom without hope... and all hope cannot be focused on the afterlife, because there is much to do here.  Though the afterlife can be an inspiration.

Big Love World, to all.  From the mightiest to the weakest, may the peace of God find your heart, and turn your swords into plows.